Handy summary of ESPN

Do you remember Dan and Keith? Or even Dan and Kenny? Back when SportsCenter didn't feature phony jive-talking, yellin' fools like Stephen A. Smith, Dan and Cohost had a rollicking good time offering sports highlights and no, count them, no episodes of the "Budweiser Hotseat."

Suffice it to say that the network that shows us "Tilt" and "Playmakers" is no longer the magical fairyland it once was.

Anyway, check out Page 2's new columnist:

He's got attitude! Yow! Look at his intimidating glare!

Bleah. The dude even name-checks Smith in his "Scoop Manifesto" which is basically a bunch of sentences beginning with "I believe." A brief sample:

"I believe Biggie's 'Either you sling rock or got a wicked jump shot' is the best sports lyric ever."

Expectations were set low when this purported to be a paragraph:

So instead of wasting space on Page 2 ducking my own sic, I figured if I told you some of the things I believe in, that would give you a better idea of what I intend to flip once a week for the Worldwide Leader. Because it ain't where you at; it's where you coming from that matters. Right?

What. The. Hell. Look, I watch MTV Jams. I know what "skeet skeet skeet" means. I think Flipmode is the greatest. But I have no goddamn idea what Scoop Jackson is talking about. His debut article on Illinois... is it self-parody? Is he subtly mocking, Jonathan Swift-style, the influx of retarded bravado that plagues sports journalism, radio, and television across the country?

I regret to say that I have concluded that he is not. He calls Chicago "the Crilla." Apparently he does this with a straight face. I can't tell because I wasn't there, but I'd like to imagine him crouched over a laptop, giggling to himself, saying "I can't believe they fell for it." But alas. It is not to be.

(Disclaimer: I DO NOT HATE BLACK PEOPLE. I DO NOT HATE BLACK CULTURE. I OWN OUTKAST CDS JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER VAGUELY WITH-IT WHITE DUDE.)