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Thursday, March 03, 2005

Shut up. I care. I just can't bring myself to watch it much this year. But I can be roused when there's some goofyass gopher poking his head out of the ground begging to be thwacked down.

What, you say, there is? Ah, yes, I see. The DSR's resident Michigan "expert," Jordan Acker, has popped up and his cartoonish buck teeth await my swift padded mallet rebuke. Let's get it on.

First, let's take stock of Mr. Acker's fact checking. "Tommy Amaker has not beaten a ranked team on the road since February of 2001," writes Mr. Acker. Well, that's certainly an unfortunate fact... uh. Wait a minute. Later, Acker says, "And, finally, when it did, Michigan emerged stronger, with a 12-5 record, and looking, after a road win at top-15 Iowa (granted, in front of about 500 people at Carver-Hawkeye), that this team would take the next step, and make the tournament."

Okay, okay, okay. First, that sentence contains no fewer than seven commas. That's too goddamn many unless you're Faulkner. And you ain't, Jordan. Trust me. Second, uh, it directly contradicts his first sentence. I realize that he didn't get paid for this piece of... writing, but he apparently managed to write the thing without even reading it.

Second, let's take stock of his inside sources. Acker writes, "According to my source close to the team, every bad thing that’s been said about this team is completely true." Undoubtedly, this "source close to the team" is probably about as reliable as his previous source that told him that Matt Guttierez was really out because he got in a barfight. Guttierez of course later had surgery on that barfight.

Acker: "Dion quit. So did Courtney. And those two are the reason why they will be watching any tournament on TV come March." Dion, who plays 40 minutes a game flanked by Superstar Dani Wohl (no offense, Dani) and Super-Duper Star John Andrews (again, no offense, John). Courtney didn't quit, he's just Charmin soft and looked like that from Day one this year. Acker's inside source is some drunk guy he met at a Kappa Sig party. In between attempting to totally score with chicks and stuff, he offered his eternal wisdom.

Thirdly, and lastly, let's take cheap shots at Acker's intelligence. I mean, seriously. That sentence had seven commas in it! What the hell? You've got your tepid "Behind The Music" pop culture reference for "humor," your slightly-incorrect big word usage("a plethora of talent"... talent isn't a plural noun), and your stupid sweeping generalizations with nothing to back them up... it's like I'm reading a Drew Sharp column! (ZING!)

I'll just leave you with this Acker beaut on next year: "All five normal starters will return, as well as a deep recruiting class, including Romulus ’s Jarrett Smith, whose improvements in his senior season have been drastic."

As well as a deep recruiting class WHAT? You need a goddamn verb! It can't be return unless they fail senior year. "Jarrett" Smith? The same "Jarrett" Smith who's having a maddening up-and-down, inconsistent season with tons of turnovers and shooting problems? That's grammatically, factually, and... uh, spellingly wrong. All in the same sentence.

In conclusion, mgoblog has a new verb:
Acker (v): To do something so mindbogglingly badly that people wonder whether you should be mercy-killed.

I'll use it in a sentence: "Boy, Jim Herrmann sure ackered the Ohio State and Texas games."

(Jordan, baby, if you read this and feebly attempt to respond, remember that this thing was a total ad hominem (that means it attacks you), so sayin' crap about how Amaker's a "looser" ain't gonna help you. This is about you and your subsimian intelligence.)


Anonymous said...

Poor writing, especially for an undergrad history major at UM. Hopefully his profs aren't grading his ability to express arguments logically, although that may be the CS talking.

And seriously, how many times in a column can a man contradict himself? There are plenty more not mentioned in your post.

I hope that he did get paid to write that -- otherwise it's just wasting space on the internet, a rather impressive feat.

After ripping on TA in this column, and the man LC in a previous column for being too conservative (although it does take him 1k words to say it), I figured that you'd at least say that you agree with him on the big issues though...

Brian said...

I don't think I agree with him on the big issues. I'm your classic Carr apologist. I realize the man has some shortcomings largely related to punting too often. But I'm generally very happy he's the coach and optimistic about the future of Michigan football.

Amaker... well, I am worried about his ability to bring the program up to a prominent national level, but I'm willing to cut him some slack for this year and the fact that he had to rebuild from the Ellerbe disaster. Acker's assertion that next year should be an NCAA bid, top-3 in Big Ten season or Amaker's fired? Ridiculous. He has at least two years.

I do agree with him a little. Ok, I said it. But I'd rather I didn't.