Halloween is possibly the greatest of all collegiate holidays--the women get dressed up like prostitutes and the men just follow them around, drinking. Good times. Unfortunately, it also falls right smack dab in the middle of football season, when a lot of people in our community are just too busy to give the Holiday of Holidays proper consideration. Thus they end up going as "apathy" or "college student" or "Larry Eustachy Wannabe" and the hot chicks dressed up like Sailor Moon (what? I went to Michigan Engineering, bitches!) will pay you no mind because they do not like postmodern intelligence, instead preferring, you know, obvious stuff.
So, as a service to those of us who coach, play, announce, cover, or blog college football, I provide suggested costumes for some of the notable names of this year's college football season:
Florida coach Urban Meyer
Aargh, sayeth Florida.
Reasoning: The scariest concept in all of Gainesville is the Zooker wandering around the football offices, blowing 4-0 foosball leads.
Materials required: One frat house, several defensive starters, copious alcohol, and something to grab your nuts with. Probably a hand.
Estimated cost: One Florida head coaching job.
Alabama wide receiver Tyrone Prothro
Suggested Costume: Your ankle.
Reasoning: The pure futile horror is unmatched.
Materials Required: One ball, floating meaninglessly towards the endzone in a four-touchdown blowout. One football field. One Mike Shula who can't count or subtract. One badly misplaced ankle.
Estimated Cost: The SEC Championship Game.
Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis
Reasoning: You can see, can't you?
Materials Required: Grape juice concentrate.
Estimated cost: The dignity you never had.
The Big Ten
Suggested Costume: The New Pornographers
Reasoning: There are too many of you to fit in one entity and you could not possibly be more overrated.
Materials Required: One artistically crushed alt-country chanteuse; overwhelmingly indie sensibilities that make me want to strangle you.
Estimated Cost: These are college towns we're talking about; free.
College football bloggers Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana
Reasoning: It just fits, doesn't it?
Materials Required: None.
Estimated Cost: My free time.
Big Ten unsensations Ted Ginn and Steve Breaston
Suggested Costume: Kid n Play
Reasoning: Yeah... I remember you. Weren't you big in 1995? Clean my pool, bitches.
Materials Required: Giant flattop.
Estimated Cost: WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO PHIL HARTMAN.
Once and future powers Notre Dame, Alabama, and Penn State
Suggested Costume: Destiny's Child.
Reasoning: I thought you guys broke up. I kind of preferred it that way.
Materials Required: One record executive father; one fired, extraneous fourth member (Pitt); bumpin' new beats you already had (Smajajrjejafd, Croyle) and a new one (Williams).
Estimated Cost: The sanity of the nation.
OMG #1!!! USC
Suggested Costume: Whatever Beatles remain unmercifully alive.
Reasoning: Yeah, yeah, you're freaking great. Now please go away and never, ever return. We are sick of you. Despite your reputed greatness, no one ever shows up at your performances. Date of last tolerability: 1965.
Materials Required: A media blowjob that never, ever stops.
Estimated Cost: We gots extra!
USC head coach Pete Carroll
Suggested Costume: Pamela Anderson
Reasoning: Your fake tits have certainly lured a bevy of unsuspecting young males into your trap, but how much longer can it last?
Materials Required: Fake tits.
Estimated Cost: In LA? Not much.
USC running back Reggie Bush
Suggested Costume: George Bush.
Reasoning: OMG DID YOU KNOW THEY CALL YOU PRESIDENT BUSH
Materials Required: One squinty glare, ten billion dollars.
Estimated Cost: Just the glare if you borrow on your future NFL earnings.
Michigan head coach Lloyd Carr
This man doesn't lose to Minnesota.
Reasoning: YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
Materials Required: Badass, do-anything-to-get-the-job-done mentality.
Estimated Cost: Let's get serious here.
ABC studio analyst Aaron Taylor
Suggested Costume: The gimp from Pulp Fiction
Reasoning: It's got a gag.
Materials Required: Various pieces of bondage gear.
Estimated Cost: Just check your basement.
Michigan blogger Brian from MGoBlog
Suggested Costume: Sniper cat.
Reasoning: What costume?
Materials required: Nearby belltower.
Estimated Cost: One, two dozen, depending on how much cover I have.
Alabama blogger/Legitimate Journalist Warren St. John
Reasoning: You can point to the picture on the wall of your office and talk about that time you met Warren St. John.
Materials Required: Houndstooth fedora, legions of worshipping admirers.
Estimated Cost: $34.95 for the fedora, check on the latter.
College football ruling class The Gang Of Six
Suggested Costume: Thomas Pynchon
Reasoning: I don't really understand anything that's going on with your complicated plots and frankly some of them sort of suck, but I am assured by others that it's all freaking genius.
Materials Required: Learned English Dog, robot mallard, V1 rocket, meandering incomprehensible plot, musical numbers.
Estimated Cost: Two months of my life.
Florida State quarterback Wyatt Sexton
Suggested Costume: Charles Woodson
Reasoning: You're God, aren't you?
Materials Required: Heisman trophy, whining Tennessee fans, national championship, finest season ever produced by a defensive player in the history of college football.
Estimated Cost: 10-12 years of a Woodson-less Jim Herrmann.
College football blogger Joey from Straight Bangin'
Suggested Costume: Lloyd Carr
Reasoning: I just want to see if the Universe explodes.
Materials Required: Jowls.
Estimated Cost: 3 losses per year. Unless it's this year.
Suggested Costume: Bunsen and Beaker
Reasoning: EEEP EEEP MEEP EEP MEEEP EEP
Materials required: Copious scientific analysis; hand up your ass.
Estimated Cost: Hand up your ass.
Pittsburgh head coach Dave Wannstedt
Suggested Costume: Carrot Top.
Reasoning: Your entire existence appears to be an unfunny joke.
Materials required: Ridiculous hair, set of props that are poisoned by association.
Estimated cost: Check and check!