32 Further Reasons ESPN/ABC/Disney is the Devil

(you saw this, I assume. I submit these further amendments.)

53. Michael Irvin. Probably another one of Shapiro's "this man is hated by all and thus deserves a job" hires, Irvin epitomizes everything that made the nation hate Miami during the 80s and 90s. His signature moment in my Detroit-tinted eyes was when the Lions picked Roy Williams two years ago. Irvin slammed Williams for returning to college for his senior year in order to get a degree. There's your 'Canes for you: the worst people in the universe.

I mean, seriously: at the rate he talk and given the things that come out of his mouth, is there any possibility he isn't on crack?

54. Dick Vitale. My impresion of Dick Vitale eating lunch:

OH MY GOD! THE MEATLOAF! THIS MEATLOAF REMINDS ME OF DUKE! I WOULD LIKE TO PLACE JJ REDICK'S SUCCULENT GROUND MEATY BITS IN MY MOUTH AND LET MY SALIVA WASH OVER HIM, COVERING HIM IN DUKE DUKE DUUUUUUKE.

55. Scoop Jackson, who has never met a black athlete whose penis didn't in some faint way remind him of Malcom X's magnificent schlong.

56. Jason Whitlock, who, uh... we covered before. Setting aside any mention of cards, he's one of those guys who intentionally writes idiotic things for notoriety. ESPN pays him to do this.

57. EDSBS mentioned the "Hot Seat," but they didn't mention the insult heaped upon the injury: the goddamn thing was (is? I don't watch Sportscenter any more) the "Budweiser Hot Seat." They sponsored it. Whores.

58. Bill. Goddamn. Walton.

59. The director of NBA Finals games on ABC who goes to commercial by using those stupid moving camera's panning OMG UP OMG LEFT OMG RIGHT around OMG CLAPPING FANS like it's a Hillary Duff concert with slightly older, faker-boobed jailbait. A flagrant symbol of sportainment(!!!).

60. Tim Legler, who actually defended Ron Artest's actions during Aubernica. Let's see: someone throws a beer at you, causing no damage whatsoever. In response, you attempt to kill some 5'2" whiteboy who--and this is key--didn't even throw the beer. This is okay to Tim Legler because Tim Legler is a former NBA player and a giant douchebag. (PS: OMG WIZZNUTZZ.)

61. Can I blame ABC for the fact that "Mexican" Manu Ginobli is allowed to charge anyone in the league with impunity and never, ever get called for it? No? Damn.

62. The complete obliteration of Classic Sports. Now ESPN Classic, it shows 90% cheesy, terrible "SportsCentury" reruns instead of the glorious games from years past it used to.

63. And when they do deign to show Michigan games, the goddamn program director shows 3/4ths losses. Remember: Michigan, winningest college football team ever.

64. Those "hot" sideline reporters who all look like the kind of girl that's really appealing if you're 45 and married to someone who used to be thin. As a mid-20s wild and crazy guy, let me say: bitch, please. Go one of two routes:

• people (men or women) who know football and actually add something other than "tee hee" to a broadcast
• strippers.

Either is acceptable. (Note that Michel Tafoya and her ilk are excepted from this, as they're as useful as other sideline reporters. That's "not very useful," but whatever.)

65. Pam Ward. Let me tell you as someone who attempts to chart games with a Dr. Z-level down-and-distance obsession: Pam Ward is either blind or Timmy from South Park. I was forced to pause the game, swear, and rejigger my Excel spreadsheet no fewer than a half-dozen times in a single half because Ward was off by as many as five yards. Combine that with a voice that is simultanoeously, inexplicably both irritatingly high-pitched and huskily, er, WNBA-friendly and you have a play-by-play announcer best suited for a vacuum.

That's right, OSU fans: sound doesn't travel in a vacuum.

66. Trevor Matich. I don't know where Matich came from, but it's probably a place where the Offensive Linemen of the Corn kill you if you even sound like you're about to make sense.

and that's just him. Put him together with his running partner 67. Rod Gilmore and it's whiskey and killin' time. Gilmore is the dumbest person associated with ESPN. The very dumbest. Let that sink in.

I know that's a bold statement. But it's true. Gilmore is summarized by his passive-aggressive douchestache, which screams "I am an effete twat who has no idea how other people perceive me." When not butchering color commentary with Matich on ESPN2, he writes an ESPN Insider column with insights like this one on Ty Willingham: "Notre Dame made the unbelievable mistake of firing Willingham in a misguided attempt to land Urban Meyer." Only $4.95 a month!

I first noticed his ultimate dumbosity when he said this about replay: "I think it makes it a professional game. It's a professional game. I don't think this should be a professional game. It's a college game."

Great. Go to hell.

68. Look, please stop pretending that the womens' NCAA tournament is something on a par with the mens'. It just isn't. I'm not watching ESPN to glory in the equality of women. You can show it and advertise it and stuff but please stop with the "We got next" mindless girl power crap.

69. Where did Kenny Mayne go?

70. And how did you kill Dan Patrick's will to live?

71. "I just want to race, daddy."

72. Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens Terrell Owens

73. TERRELL OWENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

74. I'm probably the only person in the world who cares about this, but the Frozen Four game that gets played at 12 noon on Thursday pisses me off. I know college hockey is about as popular as women's basketball... but I guess that's my point. Women's basketball: copiously excessive coverage. College hockey: look! Beanpot! and that's it.

75. Dennis Miller doing "Monday Night Football." I used to think Dennis Miller was funny.

76. Around The Horn. Take the jackassiest sports columnists in America and then tell them to disagree with each other at a volume level loud enough to shatter the souls of anyone who stumbles across it looking for Magnum, PI reruns. These people put 77. TJ Simers and 78. Jay Mariotti, two of the ugliest people in the universe, on the TV. I'm at a loss.

79. Theisman and 80. Maguire.

So, there's Dahmer-level evil. He's in Hell somewhere having snakes explode up through his groin and emerge from his mouth. There's Hitler-level evil. He's frozen in the lake Satan is stuck in. And then there's Woody Hayes-level evil. This is what Woody Hayes is doing right now: he is trapped in a room where the TV is always on, playing Sunday Night Football on ESPN.

Shouldn't have gone for two, bitch.

81. Jim Rome. If only for financially supporting the man who has singlehandely foist "drinking the Kool Aid" upon our fair nation. Rome has probably done more to turn sports media into a festering lagoon of Down's syndrome-inspired "takes" that do nothing but prove that I can't possibly get my hands on a castration ray soon enough.

82. I pull this from the EDSBS comments thread because it cannot be improved upon: "The ABC CFB studio crew. Give the choice b/t talking football with John Saunders, Craig James, and Aaron Taylor and having shit shoveled on me by a Texas A&M calvary member, I’ll take the shit-shoveling anytime."

83. Skip Bayless, who has never met an adorable puppy that he couldn't accuse of being a racist pedophile fattie.

84. Playmakers, for being the first salvo of Sportainment's evil grasp. It was on in prime time during the week, when there were NBA or NHL games to show. Hate on PTI or Around the Horn all you want, but they come on in the afternoon, when there's nothing else to do. Playmakers was the jump-the-shark moment: regularly scheduled fiction no different from that everywhere else on cable save for a sports theme. It was the final straw.