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Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Being Ron English-ovich. Ah, my favorite part of collegiate coaching switches: the government mandate that all such positions be posted on the Internet for a given length of time. I applied to be the head coach of Clarkson hockey a couple years back (and aren't they regretting their decision now). Well, now you can apply to fill the shoes of Terry Malone or Ron English:

DUTIES: As Assistant Football Coach: Recruit, condition, train, and monitor performance of football team members within a facet of the sport and assist in the intercollegiate athletic competition of the team. Recruit and participate in the selection of athletes for the football team; coach team members individually or in groups, demonstrating techniques of a game. Observe team members and determine the need for individual or team improvement; determine the position assignments of team members within a facet of the sport; recommend contest strategy for a facet of the sport; insure adherence to all association and conference rules by athletes and supporting staff; assist in the monitoring of academic progress and status of team members.
A word of warning, though... this bit is, er, not so accurate:
Hours: 40.00
Want to get hired? Have no idea how? Never fear! MGoBlog is here, with...

MGoBlog's Guide To Being Hired As An Assistant Coach:
  • Try to be good friends with Lloyd Carr.
  • When asked what to do on fourth and medium with the game in the balance, say "punt."
  • When asked what to do on first and ten from the opponent's 16, say "punt."
  • When given the brain teaser about the missionaries and the cannibals, say "punt."
  • In fact, you might just want to say "punt" as frequently as possible. Changing your name to "Punty McPunterson" might be a good idea.
  • When asked what a blitz is, scream "don't mention the war!"
  • Remember: silly mustache == job security.
No doubt I expose myself...


to charges of being a "typical Michigan whiner" by saying this, but I must object to EDSBS's placement of Lloyd Carr in the "Meatnormous" division of their Coaches Death Match tournament. I will provide you some handy pictures; you tell me which of these things does not belong:

Hint: it's the one that looks vaguely human. In any case, if you'd like to vote, follow the link above. I would caution against the comments section, which turned out exactly like you would expect it to.

Coaching stuff is official, by the way. The News done verified that voracity. English and Malone out, DeBord OC. Chengelis claims that Loeffler is not interviewing with any NFL teams, but I think the message board insiders are closer to the situation than she is. If Loeffler stays and the coaches who are brought in are agreeable, I think this whole thing will be remembered as one of the more uselessly hysterical episodes of Michigan Internet fandom.

Both Schembechler Hall (think Yosemite Sam) and RBUAS chimed in on the coach thing, by the way. Even IBFC was roused from its (annoyingly quiet) slumber.