Profiles In Cronyism: Brady Hoke

Head Coach, Ball State
Age	48(?)
Exp.	5th year
Record	22-36
Previous Jobs
DL coach @ Michigan	1995-2002
DL coach @ Oregon State	1989-1994
LB Coach @ Toledo	1987-1988
DL Coach @ WMU	1984-1986
Playing Career
Four-year letterman and captain at Ball State as a defensive lineman.

For those of you who are not Jason Whitlock and thus know nothing about the Ball State football program, like all red-blooded Americans should, Brady Hoke is its head coach. In five years on the job, Hoke is 22-36 and has one winning season, this year's 7-5 campaign that will end when Rutgers houses the Cardinals in the International Bowl. Hoke's main accomplishments to date are

• being the first coach to torch Johnny Sears and one of dozens to hang close with Michigan despite a massive talent deficit,
• nearly beating the worst Nebraska team ever, and
• being good friends with Lloyd Carr.

There isn't a power program in the country that could make Brady Hoke's candidacy for their head coaching job seem like anything other than a PR move designed to help a friend of the program... but remember the boats. The goddamn boats. Anything is possible.

Ball State's Stassen numbers for the decade preceding Hoke's arrival:

Rank	Team	Win Pct
66t	Maryland	0.46491
68	San Diego State	0.45690
69	Ball State	0.45133
70	Northwestern	0.44397

Hoke's winning percentage? 38%. And he did not take over a program in disarray. Ball State had disastrous years in 1998 and 1999, going a combined 1-21, but recovered from the tailspin to go 16-18 the three years before Hoke arrived.

Hoke promptly put up records of 4-8, 2-9, 4-7, and 5-7 before his "breakthrough" 2007, when he finally got the program back to the level it was at when he arrived. Historically, Ball State has been one of the better programs in the MAC, their overall record above distorted by those two bombs; other than that the last time they won fewer than five games was 1987. The evidence suggests Hoke is outclassed in the MAC.

So let's make him Michigan's head coach!

Xs and Os Proficiency: Hoke has never been a coordinator on any level.

Recruiting: A N/A. It's Ball State.

Potential Catches: Potential "catches"? The whole damn thing is one big catch! Even in the realm of people who Michigan would approach after getting turned down by everyone -- EVERYONE -- there are vastly preferable candidates: Ron English. Mike Trgovic. Glen Mason. Jon Chait. Me. The Golden Retriever from "Air Bud: Golden Receiver." Mussolini, who is dead. Dick Vitale. Sigourney Weaver. Richard Nixon's penis. Sigourney Weaver's penis. All of these people and organs don't have a track record that suggests they are a below average MAC coach. It is in this way they are superior to Brady Hoke.

Relative Compensation: Hoke makes 170k per year, the third lowest in D-I. We'll probably offer him $120k.

Would He Take The Job? Yes.

Overall Attractiveness: Awful. Awful, awful, awful. The worst possible candidate. The mere idea this guy -- who's never even been a coordinator anywhere and has his MAC team performing at a level well below the program's historical baseline -- could get the job is infuriating. Only at Michigan could this happen, and if it does I guarantee you that Bo is going to haunt the mofo that signs the contract.

Better that Debord? No. Absolutely not better than Debord. The functional equivalent of Debord and a guy who would either keep Captain Failure or bring in Stan Parrish. If Hoke is hired there will be a riot, and with good reason.