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Thursday, April 24, 2008

They really should have cast J Leman as the scientist guy in "I Am Legend." Why? Obviously.

I mean no offense to the Great and Powerful Leman. He is truly wondrous. But -- not to be a heretic -- I think we have a challenger in for the title of Most Awesome Football Mugshot in the Multiverse.

There is a man. He is from Texas, he is an offensive lineman, and he's basically a 300 pound version of Mose Schrute. I present Andrew Russell:

The Mose Schrute beard, I think, is actually superior to the Leman mullet. Mullets are a pop culture trope. People sport them ironically, and if you are one of the three US households that gets Versus you can get your fill of them in the NHL. No one famous has sported a full-on I-churn-butter-by-hand Mennonite beard since Ulysses S Grant. Advantage Russell.

However, there is still the matter of the American flag tie. Russell's hellacious(!) pit stains are a worthy foe, but J Leman woke up on the morning of Illinois picture day and thought to himself "self, it's time to rock it the American Way." Russell just lives in Texas, where anyone wearing a dress shirt outside develops pit stains in 2.3 seconds.*

Like Natalie Imbruglia, I'm torn. I await the sage counsel of Black Heart, Gold Pants on this matter.

Russell has no offers yet, but is listing Michigan. Pray. Pray hard.

*(I resided in Texas for one summer; this is absolutely true.)