Baseball regional preview comin' up. But now...
I GOTTA LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE! THESE ARE THE PROBLEMS I HAVE WITH YOU PEOPLE!
1. Creepily Stalking Hotties. Cheesecake is one thing. Everybody loves cheesecake. But when every other post of yours contains a picture of the same celebrity accompanied with some caption that generally boils down to "I tell ya I tell ya I tell ya... boy would I like to bone her!" you have crossed the line and entered the sad, depressing parts of the internet.
I'm looking at you, Roll Bama Roll and Dawg Sports. And, like... could you have picked less hot hotties? Okay, Kristen Davis is the only cast member of Sex In The City I wouldn't taze on sight, but there are dozens of better choices. And who is Katherine McPhee and why would anyone care to look at her?
WITH THIS WOMAN THAT'S JUST HOW GODDAMN
HETEROSEXUAL I AM BOY HOWDY I TELL YA
Exceptions: Creepy stalking of Scarlett Johansson is still creepy, but somewhat forgivable.
2. Erin Andrews. I mean no offense to Ms. Andrews, who is among the least annoying sideline reporters on television. Truly, her ability to get names vaguely correct places her leaps and bounds beyond Stacey Dales-Schuman, Stacey Schuman-Dales, Stacey Dales, Stacey Schuman, and the rest of the oppressive flock of somewhat pretty ex-cheerleaders that scour the nation's sidelines looking for the opportunity to ask Michael Vick what sort of hot wings he's eating. I appreciate anyone of this ilk who doesn't make me want to throw my shoe at the TV.
No, it's the rest of you lonely, sad perverts taking screencaps every time they show her ass that I've got a problem with. Erin Andrews is doing the spelling bee! Erin Andrews is photographed! Or smoking hot! Or winning a "would you do" competition! Or has twelve pages of Ballhype hits!
Yeah, there's a reason she thinks the internet is a perv factory: it is.
Exceptions: None. Keep it your pants, bucko.
3. Picks Columns. Picks columns suck almost without exception. The general format:
Team A vs Team B (-3). Here is the first poorly thought out sentence that reveals nothing you did not already know. Here is the second poorly thought out sentence; this one probably contains some completely unsubstantiated assertion. End thorough and useful opinion.Repeat this ad naseuem, then stick in your (horrible) record from last week and add it into your season record -- always five games below five hundred. Then make the world's most hackneyed joke and move on. Nobody really cares about your two-line opinion on Ole Miss-Arkansas unless you are a professional handicapper.
Exceptions: obviously anyone who's actually beating the vig on sportsbetting is permitted the arrogance of one of these. Also those articles where people make obviously meaningless picks based on shoe color.
4. "BLANK Nation." I blame the 2004 Red Sox and Kos for this. There is no Spartan Nation. There is no UAB Nation. There is no Badger Nation. Unless you are named Chad and everyone on your team is also named Chad, there is no nation for you. BLANK Nation jumped the shark two seconds after the 2004 ACLS. Shut up about it.
Exceptions: Red Sox Nation, and Red Sox Nation only, and even then you kinda sound like a prick. Or worse: Dan Shaugnessy.
5. Countdown posts. You know the sort: 99 days until the season, and then it's tomorrow and the site does the math for you and helpfully informs you that there are 98 days until the season. These posts invariably contain a single picture with a short caption, communicate nothing, and jam my RSS feed something wicked.
Exceptions: I could see a seven day countdown the week before the season or something. 100 is pure sandpaper to the groin.