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Sunday, August 14, 2005

Okay. Previewing the Football Team Loosely Affiliated With The Ohio State University (FTLAWTOSU) has necessitated actually going to the website of FTLAWTOSU and reading

We are slaughtering the Northwestern Wildcats
things that are on it, which makes me feel dirtier than that one time with the midget porn and an unwelcome early return of my grandmother*, especially because every word on the site sounds like it's coming straight from the mouth of the Iraqi Minister of Information. It serves as an interesting counterpoint between the two schools. Michigan: understated, subtle, classy. The classic elegance of the deep blue hues it wears on Saturdays. Ohio State: all the subtlety of a hepatitis-ridden hooker. The intelligence and volume level of Stephen A. Smith.

See for yourself. Here's the introductory section on Gabe Watson, probable NFL first-round pick:
At Michigan... three-year letterman ... returning starter at defensive tackle ... has played in 33 career games and made 11 starts ... has 52 tackles, eight tackles for loss and two sacks during career ... 2004 All-Big Ten first team (coaches).
Here is the introductory section on Buckeye DT Quinn Pitcock, probable football player:
Career Notes:
A terrific football player who started for the first time last year and had a sensational season ... is big, strong, tough and makes plays at crunch time ... comes-to-play every game and is a blue collar guy who thrives on competition ... [ETC ETC ETC]
If you're wondering to yourself "I wonder, self, does the tOSU SID cream himself when discussing every player on the roster," the answer to that question is "AAAAARGH YES AAAAAAAARGH." Any opportunity to insert a puffy, meaningless adjective is taken. Journeymen with little playing time and fewer NFL prospects than Rudy are made to seem like SuperJesus. (A side note: what Estonian pickle farmer did they hire to do this? "comes-to-play" hyphenated? I don't understand how that even crossed someone's mind.)

The worst part of the whole thing is the season prospectus. Now, these things are always mindless propaganda but holy crap, OSU has next-levelled this puppy. Believe me, I am probably the person most qualified to determine these things, having actually read 10 of them (why would I read Michigan's?). Just... just... Christ on a pogostick:
But the Buckeyes, who won the national championship in 2002, won't get caught looking too far ahead. Tressel will see to that. The skillful Buckeye mentor is a believer in staying focused and taking one game at a time. His first four teams at Ohio State have dined on that recipe and the result has been a sumptuous overall record of 40-11, two BCS victories, a perfect 14-0 season and a national championship. It is a proven formula for success, one that the players have readily adapted as their own mantra.
We are slaughtering the infidels. They die by the thousands. I write short ridiculous Hemingwayesque sentences and then launch into long ridiculous metaphors that imply that people are consuming little cards that say things like "2 cups sugar, 1 scraped vanilla bean." I can't decide if I am amused or deeply angered. Apparently both. I mean, when you see sentences like this:
Additionally, Roy Hall, Devon Lyons and Devin Jordan are talented receivers who will see playing time. The latter three would start for most teams.
You have to marvel at what a strange world we live in... but you also have to wonder how people in Ohio manage to not punch themselves to death accidentally, you know, in case I'msa oneothem queers or sumptin'. The whole thing finishes with this handy definition of the word "hubris":
Pollsters will rate this team high
The Buckeyes appear to be talented on both sides of the ball. The offense is explosive and versatile, capable of long drives and quick strikes. The defense is physical, deep and can run. The schedule is challenging, but the Buckeyes have gone 33-6 the past three years and know how to win. Many of the preseason pollsters will have this team rated in their top five. All will have it their top 10.
Yeah, I ranked OSU 10th to start the season... until I saw that! Say hello to #11, bitches!

PS: Carr and Tressel are generally as different as your gruff but deeply good grandfather and that sweater-vest-wearing uncle who molests you but gets away with it because you have no proof, but they have one thing in common:
The Buckeye coach calls the punt, "the most important play in football."

*(ha ha, just kidding, Mom.)