EXCLUSIVE: Transcript of Miles Conversation With Michigan

Les Miles: Uh... hello?

Mary Sue Coleman: Hi, Les. It's Mary Sue Coleman. Let me patch in Bill Martin.

Bill Martin: (faintly) Hello? Hello?

MSC: Bill.

BM: (faintly) Hello?

MSC: Turn the phone around, Bill.

BM: What?

MSC: YOU'RE SPEAKING INTO THE WRONG END OF THE PHONE.

BM: (louder) Oh.

Miles: So....

MSC: Les, as you know, the University of Michigan is looking for a head coach. We would like any prospective candidates to have a strong understanding of the program's history, an established track record of success--

BM: -- and sailing experience --

MSC: -- as a college football head coach, and --

BM: -- any other sort of boating-type experience. Motor. Catamaran. You know. Water-type things.

MSC: and a strong rapport with his charges. Anyway, Les, you've just won the SEC, have a 36-6 record in three years at LSU, and are well loved by your program. You also lettered twice under Bo and love this program more than any other. So...

BM: ... do you know anyone that fits our criteria?

Miles: Uh... me?

BM: I didn't see any jib or mizzenmast experience on your resume.

Miles: Right. That's because I'm a football coach. I coach football.

BM: In fact, your resume made no reference to sailing whatsoever. So you're out, asshole.

MSC: I think what Bill is trying to say is that we would like to offer you--

BM: --the opportunity to tell us who might be our perfect candidate. Reminder: Michigan ties, success, sailing.

Miles: No, sorry. I don't know anyone who fits that criteria.

BM: Well screw you, buddy!

Click.

MSC: Bill... next time let me do the talking.

BM: Lloyd says Brady Hoke dresses up like Long John Silver on most Tuesdays. Let's hire him.