Unverified Voracity: Little Crapper That Could Edition

You are a straight freak, sir. Buried in this roundup article is the following:

Quotable: Freshman running back Javon Ringer scored his first touchdown since the Hawaii game. "The little crapper did pretty good too, didn't he?" coach John L. Smith said about Ringer, who rushed for 109 yards on 11 carries.

I am going to miss JLS when he freaks out and bites off the head of a sideline reporter after another special teams mishap.

The same article contains a ginormous dick move, as well:

The NFL rumors [re: Weis to NFL] have Irish faithful in an uproar. One fan-friendly Web site wrote that Schefter was trying to "create rumors about Weis" because he is a Michigan grad.

(I think there's a 99% chance this is NDNation because that seems like exactly the sort of paranoid retardery that is their speciality.)

Why not mention where you got it from? This is totally unverifiable the way it's printed solely because the newspaper doesn't want to publish the URL of a site not run by "real journalists" even when they're citing it. Newspapers pull this crap all the time when they reference anything on the Internet. They make a vague assertion about "message boards" or "blogs," specifically reference exactly nothing, and prevent the reader from finding out what's going on for themselves. It's reminiscent of those protesters in college that shout down anyone who disagrees with them because they know they're right and anything coming from someone in the other camp is automatically null and void simply because of its origin.

I'm starting a pool. Penn State fans: still bitching! It's been two weeks since Michigan beat Penn State. How many BWI threads dedicated to complaining about Michigan and/or our unholy pact with the referees do you think have been posted in since, say, midnight? Would you believe... seven? In 12 hours?

I'm serious: one two three four five six seven. Amazing.

Can they keep it up through a Michigan bye week and then the Indiana game? Let's find out! We're starting the first annual Penn State Paranoia Pool. The rules of the game are as follows: every weekday I will check BWI around noon. I'll scan the title headers for references to A) Big Ten referees and B) OMG Michigan SUX. Included in the latter group will be innocuous seeming posts that are designed to garner snarky responses (and do). The day that I do this and I see no posts for one entire day in either category A or category B will be declared "Extremely Temporary Return To Sanity Day" and the pool will end. The player with the date closest to ETRTSD will be declare the winner. If there is a tie the winner will be the one with the least faith in the Penn State faithful--the one with the date farthest in the future.

The winner of this fabulous contest will get... er. I don't really want to mail anything. Er... will get to officially nickname someone prominent in college football (offer void if nickname is excessively profane and not clever). Post entries in the comments thread below; one entry per household. Void in Puerto Rico, Columbus, and South Bend.

In a return to weird. I previously discussed the wondrous ground of weird that is Facebook. My favorite item was Tyler Ecker's photo:

But BC&RS found out that Ecker has topped himself, replacing the above with this:

No caption needed, just filename: tylereckerkillsbunnies.jpg

That's goddamn right: our Mormon tight end is a bunny murderer. That's hard. You must examine the rest of the Facebook goodness. Angry Michigan Everything Hating God commands it.

Spurrier... mancrush... strong. No explanation necessary:

I hope Peyton Manning is weeping softly somewhere, wiping his eyes with the paper-mache Heisman Trophy the UT Booster club made him in 1997. (Via the Cool Chicken.)

Announcing the Collective of Six. I have this crazy idea that teams with really good defenses are successful. So I'm announcing the "Collective of Six," an idea that will revolutionize college football thinking. The following teams are all in the top ten in total defense and until they decide to not be good at defense, they are Collective of Six members! Yay!

• #2 Virginia Tech: 8-0.
• #3 Alabama: 8-0.
• #5 Florida: 6-2.
• #7 Texas: 8-0 .
• #8 Georgia: 7-1.
• #9 West Virginia: 6-1.

These teams have incredible success against the rest of college football. At this point Florida's loss to LSU is the only time a non-Collective team has beaten a team in the Collective. Against the rest of college football these teams are 41-1! Easy verdict: if these guys were not good at defense they would not be good at football. Super yay!

And Now The Old Dog Amazes With His Pop And Lock Routine

10/29/2005 - Michigan 33-17 Northwestern - 6-3, 4-2 Big Ten

Pop quiz, hotshot:

• Defense A plays a conservative, bend-don't-break style of defense that results in a lot of long drives by the opposition. They get few three-and-outs. By the end of the game they yield 17 points on three long drives, giving up about 420 yards.
• Defense B is more of a gambling unit that uses more man coverage and stunts the hell out of its defensive line, getting frequent pressure at the expense of the occasional gaping hole. It gives up fewer long drives but more long plays. By the end of the game they yield 17 points due to a series of big plays against. They also yield about 420 yards.

Which defense is better?

...

Is this a trick question? What if I told you that Defense A faced 11 drives and Defense B 16? Does that make your thinking on this case very clear, man? What if I told you this particular situation was not particularly hypothetical at all and would probably serve as fabulous justification for a much different take on two performances that seem nearly identical on the surface? What if I stopped using this slightly annoying rhetorical device?

The upshot is this: the game is changing, man, and those that change with it will have extremely fine pads with all the latest in eight-track technology. Those who do not will probably end up on Fanopticon under the headline "Irate fans burn down house of coach; much of the latest in eight-track technology lost." Part of that change is in realizing that the current state of football statistics is dire and that what really counts is drive efficiency, not raw totals. Part of that change is in realizing that 30-40 yards from a punt is just not as valuable as it used to be. A punt is just as good as a long interception: it's a turnover.

I submit that Lloyd Carr is working towards that sweet eight-track player by changing his habits built up over the decades. This isn't easy--changing an ingrained habit is never, ever easy. He's doing it in fits and starts, like a man attempting to kick heroin. Relapses are regular, but there is change afoot. As a result, Michigan fans were treated to the Least Likely Playcall in History on Saturday when crotchety old Lloyd eschewed a field goal on fourth and six from the twenty-three and instead directed Chad Henne to throw it three yards wide of an open Steve Breaston. Turnover on downs. Oh well.

In this case, though, it is indeed the thought that counts. That play should serve as definitive proof that the old dog is struggling towards some new tricks, because even the hardcore Romer devotees among us probably looked towards whoever else was available and tried to communicate something along the lines of "my vociferous bitching on the Internets has created a monster I cannot control" with only a cocked eyebrow and disquieted countenance. Fourth and six! With a 40 yard field goal waiting! Zounds. Let me be clear on this: I disagree with that playcall because it is too aggressive. T-O-O aggressive. In other news, gravity pulls up, Penn State fans are models of decorum when questioned about officiating, and Michigan State is showing remarkable resiliency after losing to Michigan.

Carr's attempt to come to Game Theory Jesus shouldn't be a total shock. Carr's always been somewhat schizophrenic when it comes to risk. While he's downright Victorian when leading a close game, he's always had a flair for exquisitely timed trickeration when behind--the Navarre buffalo stampede versus Minnesota, the flea-flicker this year, etc. Those plays which are inherently high-risk, high-reward, and Carr has an undeniable knack for producing them at the right time. He occasionally risks without benefit, generally when he's feeling his oats way ahead late. I still maintain that the John Navarre called with six minutes left in the '03 MSU game--Navarre fumbled and turned a two-score-going-on-three laugher into a losable game--was amongst the worst calls in the history of everything. Likewise, he chose this game to feature third-down play action attempting to kill the clock when the situation--up 16, under two minutes left--probably called for the run run run punt strategy employed against Penn State, since only a miracle pick-six could have given the Wildcats even a sliver of hope.

I'm not complaining about any of this, at least not at the moment. Nor am I complaining about the run run run field goal at the end of the half that seemed designed more to keep Northwestern from scoring before the end of the half (a futile endeavor) than to get a critical extra four points. Running from the three against Northwestern's D is not a crazy decision. Carr's fourth down decisions have been largely correct this year aside from the Rivas pooch punt towards the end of the Penn State game. In multiple cases he's made tough, correct decisions: going on fourth and goal from the one against Wisconsin, pounding it into the line twice against Michigan State, etc. Even when the strategy has backfired, he accepts the downside and persists in a more aggressive posture.

In context, the Penn State gaffe seems more like one last hit of that sweet Bombay Popsicle* snuck in-between rehab sessions than evidence of 1970s thinking taking hold. Lloyd Carr has checked himself in to the Betty Ford Center for Coaches Addicted to Low Variance. I wouldn't expect a flying-colors discharge any time soon, but he's made the first, biggest step. There's still a lot of work to do--I think we need an intervention about that running on first down into a nine-man front thing, not to mention that horrible soft zone--but he's trying to change.

He's got fourth down, uh, down. First and second are mountains yet to come.

*(uh, yeah, I don't know either.)

CFB Discussion Week 10

This is the location for comments and trackbacks to opinions about this weekend's games. Don't forget VT-BC... that Vick guy is good. No, not the one on the sideline eating chili fries.

Northwestern/UAF Open Thread

The place for all opinions and the like on tonight's game versus Northwestern... and hell, the hockey team's playing UAF again tonight (lost4-2 yesterday) and it's on Comcast Local at 11, so anyone wishing to post re: it is welcome as well.

Just a reminder: try to keep your OUTRAGE! out of fifth gear... and probably fourth as well.

Update:

Suntory time for all!

Uh... yeah. Someone has decided to use photoshop for bizarre ends; why do all these strange cat animations seem to come from the UK?

$*&#! Mother#$*! God-#*($-ing---

Er.

Doug Karsch is reporting on WTKA that Hart and Woodley are "unlikely" for tomorrow. I may have to rename Angry Michigan Safety Hating God to Angry Michigan Safety, Defensive End, And Magical Midget Hating God, and that's just not very catchy. Our prospects immediately dim if they don't play but Woods did fill in well against Iowa, and Northwestern's run defense didn't get any better because of it.

I'm going to find out who's fault this is, and I'm going to force them to read the entire Drew Sharp column archive. Primary suspect: the Trix Rabbit.

Preview: I Liked It Better When You Sucked

Run Offense vs. Northwestern

Resistable force versus movable obect here, though our force gets significantly less resistable if a short guy from Syracuse shows up. Even if he doesn't, I have to believe that the Long-infused Michigan offensive line will be able to deal with a Northwestern defensive line that is Barry Coefield and a bunch of guys who are really smart.

Unfortunately, I've probably said that exact same sentence four or five times and been mostly wrong about it; the one time I said we were doomed on the OL, before Penn State, they did an admirable job. Michigan had a lot of trouble without Hart against Iowa, eventually resorting to fourth-string Jermaine Tito Jerome Jackson late because he would A) not fumble and B) run places that were not also occupied by our offensive linemen. Still, there's a major gap between the Northwestern DL and even Iowa's undersized and young unit that's evident in the statistics. Without Howard these guys are crippled, and they don't have the secondary to run up a safety without seriously tempting fate.

The yards will be there, but there will be many more if Hart can go.

Key Matchup: RB Mike Hart versus Mike Hart's Ankle. The cooperativeness of Hart's ankle is apparently still in question. His replacements all seem adequate but adequate isn't enough to make up for an inadequate offensive line.

Pass Offense vs. Northwestern

Just when all reasonable people had resigned themselves to a mostly ineffective Chad Henne he had to come back and flash some of the ability that had everyone in such a tizzy at the beginning of the year. Of course, he paired that flash with instances of ridiculous decision making and inaccurate short throws, nicely summing up his "Yes, but..." season. Jason Avant and Steve Breaston re-emerged as the heroes du jour after taking a one game backseat to Mario "The New Math" Manningham, whose main contribution against Iowa was a broken route that led to an interception.

I've previously said that Henne has struggled against all but resolutely awful defenses. That's a problem most weeks, but not this one. Northwestern's Mildcat (ho ho ho) pass defense is 115th in the country in terms of yardage and 85th in terms of efficiency--and it was much worse than that before picking off Drew Stanton three times as he melted down last week. Henne's tendency to short-circuit under pressure should not be much of an issue: the Wildcats, deprived of the services of Loren Howard, have managed only five sacks the entire year. Two of those were against Ohio. Henne should have time and the ability to pick his spots throwing downfield, as the Wildcats will probably be forced to offer the Michigan receivers a significant cushion.

So here it is. Fool me like four times, shame on me, but Henne is going to have a great day against the Wildcats, especially if they let him sit in the pocket for extended periods of time. Long's return and the feeble Northwestern pass rush should greatly help his confidence and allow him to make his reads.

Key Matchup: WRs Mario Manningham and Steve Breaston versus CBs Marquise Cole and Deonte Battle. Northwestern has had a tendency to give up a lot of yards on relatively few completions in several games this year. The Northwestern CBs will either have to leave the deep ball open or leave Manningham and Breaston large cushions. Either way, these two have to take advantage of the opportunites the Northwestern defense will afford them.

Run Defense Vs Northwestern

Little. Deadly. Different.

Oy. It's time to start wondering about what happened here. Last year Michigan had a run defense that was consistently great against tailbacks (quarterbacks are another story). Lining up in a 3-4 with Watson, Massey, and Larry Harrison backed by linebackers Lamarr Woodley, Lawrence Reid, Pierre Woods, and Scott McClintock, running on first down was usually second and nine. With the switch back to the 4-3 and a wholly new linebacking corps has come disaster. Everyone except EMU has ownzored the Michigan run defense, and Northwestern is no EMU (and don't we miss the days when that sentence was one of the most ridiculous in the english langauge). The return of Lamarr Woodley and Rondell Biggs will certainly help and Michigan may have found a WLB in John Thompson, but it would take a drastic improvement to hold down the newly resurgent Northwestern ground game. Yeah. Weird, I know.

I haven't been right too often this year, so humor me while I point out something I did get right:

Despite his diminutive stature, or perhaps because of it, Sutton could be the 2005 version of Mike Hart.

This he has done, and how. Sutton has torn Northwestern opponents limb from limb. He's the scariest guy his size since Chucky. He seems especially suited to gashing the Michigan defense by getting outside containment. Maybe Thompson's insertion will help, but he is still young and Michigan's defensive line still has problems keeping gaps down to reasonable sizes. Sutton's going to get some stabbin' in.

Key Matchup: LBs John Thompson and David Harris versus RB Tyrell Sutton. Sutton's going to be bouncing all over the place, looking for holes. Thompson and Harris have to contain and tackle surely, otherwise Michigan will get posterized.

Pass Defense vs. Northwestern

Look, I know I'm just a guy. I've never played organized football, let alone coach it for ten billion years. But some things make no sense to me as a guy who's played a lot of games--chess, Command & Conquer, Super Tecmo Bowl, NCAA Football, etc. One of those things that make no sense is to explicitly disclose your plan to the enemy. As Sun-Tzu's Art of War says, "Goddammit, play some man coverage." Michigan forgoes all deceit with baffling regularity, and this season's all-zone all-the-time attempt at pass defense is a prime example. There's no excuse for Michigan to cover opposing players on 10% of the avaiable downs against Iowa.

While I was dead on about Tyrell Sutton, my preseason slamming of Brett Basanez has to be high on the long list of things I've been wrong about this year:

Brett Basanez has a ton of experience but an inaccurate arm. He's a hard-nosed guy who is decently suited for the run-oriented spread option Northwestern runs but doesn't have the athleticism to be a real threat in the run game or the arm to be a true dropback passer.

Uh.... yeah. Basanez is 19th in passing efficiency, has thrown 12 touchdowns to one interceptions, and has completed 67% of his passes. I suck; Basanez does not. It is worth pointing out, however, that the defenses Basanez have feasted upon are much like the lineup from The Usual Suspects: everyone in the room is guilty. Check their passing stats, you fairy godmother:

• Michigan State: 110th/102nd efficiency.
• Purdue: 117th (last!)/108th efficiency.
• Wisconsin: 88th/45th efficiency.
• Arizona State: 104th/74th.

The only competent non-MAC defense the Wildcats have opposed was Penn State. In that game Basanez did all right (20-38, 229 yards, one interception) but certainly not great.

So I don't know what to think. I'd like to say that Basanez can't possibly maintain that impressive efficiency, but Drew Tate and his 27-for-39-with-a-buncha-drops says ha(!). The Jesus and his 20-for-30 seconds the motion. If Michigan insists on the undisguised zone that freaked us all out after NIU and reappeared with terrible vengance against Iowa, the results will probably be the same: a lot of chain moving throws between guys doing their ill-conceived job and a muttered prayer for opponent errors. The strategy that appears to make sense is to press the hell out of the Wildcat receivers, take away their short passing game, and give your defensive line time to have an impact on the game, but Michigan's fear of a black planet mobile quarterback has seen them lay back and wait. That is unlikely to change.

Key Matchup: Lamarr Woodley, Alan Branch, and hopefully Woods, Crable, and Jamison. Michigan's stops against Iowa that were actually due to the Michigan defense were universally caused by a Tate sack that either killed a drive or put it in 2nd-and-20 critical condition. Stopping a methodical but not explosive Wildcat attack will take MOTS.

Special Teams

Breaston had no opportunity to return any of Iowa's 20-30 yard punts; Rivas' field goal was a chip shot. The Michigan special teams this year have been good but not great; expect that to continue.

Northwestern kicker Joel Howells has been decidedly average this year. He went 5 of 6 against Penn State but is barely above 50% on the year (8 for 15). Marquice Cole has a punt return touchdown and is average 27(!) yards a return, but Ross Ryan has been good about preventing returns this year. Under 30% of his kicks are being run back, and most of those are under duress. Michigan should keep Cole under wraps.

Key Matchup: Rivas versus Howells. At some point these offenses are going to get stopped, probably in the red zone, and these guys will have to make their relatively short kicks.

Intangibles

Yeah, the first kitten thing was funny and effective. The second was not particularly funny... but effective. So I won't push it this week.

But I'm not above some superstition:

Yeah baby!

Cheap Thrills

Three Things I'd Like To See:

• Hart, Woodley, Thompson, Engelmon, and Long on the field.
  
• Something that isn't a zone. I'm not talking all the time, but the Iowa game was ridiculous.
  
• Evidence that the Northwestern defense really is that bad.
  

Three Things I Don't Want To See

• Brett Basanez with time to throw.
  
• Pat "Pancake"Massey chewing the turf as Sutton strolls by.
  
• Any goddamned unforced fumbles with the game salted away.
  

Fear/Paranoia Level: 8 out of 10. (Baseline 5; +1 for They've Got Their Own Hart; +1 for We Think Covering Wideouts is Unsporting; +1 for Season On Borrowed Time.)

Desperate need to win level: 8 out of 10. (Baseline 5; +1 for Clearing This Hurdle == One Game To Respectability; +1 for I'd Take The Outback; +1 for A Bye Week To Stew In)

Loss will cause me to... wow. 5-4 with a dominant OSU defense on the horizon? Maybe I do have to scout those MAC teams.

Win will cause me to... exhale.

The strictures and conventions of sportswriting compel me to predict: My 0-fer 2005 was finally broken against Iowa, so I can finally predict in peace. Hopefully.

Defensively, Michigan is going to have major issues with Tyrell Sutton. I doubt he gets held under 100 yards. If they decide to let Northwestern have the same coverage Iowa did the results will be largely the same all around and Michigan will be relying on flukes and drops that haven't been featured heavily by Northwestern 2005 in order to stop the Wildcat offense. Michigan should have a signifcant advantage on the OL rushing the passer, especially if Woodley is healthy enough to go full speed, but if Basanez can throw little slants and stops all day because of massive cushions provided they won't make much difference. If Engelmon returns Michigan may get more aggressive but they'll probably pick their spots, but they'll be too few to really shut down the efficient Northwestern offense.

Offensively, we'd better kill these guys. Last! Dead last! With Long back and (probably) Hart back and Avant and healthy Breaston and a Henne that seems to be coming around gradually, we should be able to pound out a number of methodical drives remiscent of those in the NIU and MSU games. Northwestern's defense is no better than the MSU unit we made look stupid or the EMU unit that gave up and went home, and now we've got our big, bad right tackle back. It's shootout time!

It says here that Woodley and Branch make enough plays to squeak this one out. Bring on the bye week, and sweet, sweet release.

Finally, three opportunities for me to look stupid Sunday:

• Henne goes nuts, then does it again against Indiana. Everyone says he's back. OSU disagrees.
  
• The delayed LB blitz stops working.
  
• 35-31, Michigan.
  

Unverified Voracity 10/28

I'm a sucker for hockey coverage, so with it is with great glee that I point out this NHL.com article on Michigan and its freshmen, though it opens up with this:

In the spring of 1992, Ann Arbor, Michigan and the college basketball world were captivated by five sensational freshmen who brought the University of Michigan basketball team to within seconds of a national title.

Come on, man! Michigan won a national title in 1998 with a similar horde of freshmen... in hockey. No need to throw that Fab Five junk in our face when you've got a much better analogue available--one that ended happily, I might add.

About Georgia, Capital Of Football Blogging Despite Not Being A City. Yeah, I even forgot a couple: the recently-returned Braves & Birds and the GT bloggers at Golden Tornado. QEDMF!

Yes, this is what I meant. The UFR:D yesterday was strident--perhaps a bit too strident, but it's a blog, I don't have an editor--and I expended a lot of words searching for the exact reason why Michigan's passive defense got my dander up. I have found the words:

[The coaches] seemed content with the game being decided by whatever mistakes the opposition made, no matter if Michigan caused them or not.

That's the Underachieving All Stars again filling the pith in where mine fails me. Much speculation about Michigan's tendency towards annoying 9-3 equilibrium has been posted, but I'll add mine to the pile: the reliance upon opponent's mistakes fails a few times a year when Michigan comes up against a team that is on or is just really efficient. Passive play with superior talent is an easy ticket to a bucketful of wins and a small, potent selection of painful losses.

The posts of RBUAS are problematic only in that they are infrequent. Go, partake.

Daniel Horton had a tough year last year in every way you can short of having you mom kidnapped by Space Elvises. Nathan Fenno continues his strong work for the Ann Arbor News with a long story on the star-crossed point guard.

Upon Further Review: Iowa Defense

(People asked for a comparison point for Henne's performance last week, so I decided to chart Tate... probably not the best comparison point, as you'll see, but a point of data for both the QB comparison and the defense.)

Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Yards	Notes
1	10	O15	Pass	10	Tate rolls out; Woods(+1) does a great job of getting out on him on the boot but he manages to find an open receiver downfield at the last second. (DO)
1	10	O25	Run	1	Off tackle at Burgess(+1), who keeps contain. He and Harris(+1) close off the hole.
2	9	O26	Run	6	Massey(-1) gets blown back off the snap; Burgess holds back and makes the tackle downfield.
3	3	O32	Pass	25	Michigan stunts Crable(+1) around and gets immediate pressure, but Burgess(-2) ends up two steps behind Chandler, who catches and runs downfield. (DO)
1	10	M43	Run	8	Young cuts it back as Watson(+1) clogs the intended POA. This is a prime example of Graham(-2) overrunning a play and being completely unprepared for a cutback. Woods misses a tackle but I think he did well just to slow him up a bit… to no avail because there's no LB.
2	2	M35	Run	13	Lloyd specifically called this out as an instance of someone turning the running back outside… someone is Graham(-1). Engelmon(-1) also misses a tackle.
1	10	M22	Run	4	I'm not going to give him a minus on this one but Graham gets blocked in the hole, closes it off well, but doesn't shed at all.
2	6	M18	Scramble	4	Good coverage down field on this waggle; Tate decides to get what he can after being chased by Van Alstyne; Burgess comes up and cuts of his path as he goes OOB.
3	2	M14	Pass	15	I don't think this is really Burgess's fault. He's in a short zone on this ridiculous coverage. We're on the 14 yard line on third and two, playing a three-deep zone. Grigsby just runs a little out after the DB gets run off; Brandt makes a good point that Burgess had to deal with Young coming out of the backfield. He can't cover two guys. This is a (-2) for Herrmann; we were screwed at the snap. (CA)
Drive Notes: Touchdown, 0-7, 9 min 1st Q. Not a fun drive. I'm getting progressively more frustrated with the ridiculous, obvious zone we end up in too frequently. On the touchdown Burgess was over the slot receiver like we've seen so many times before. The combo route with the outside guy driving off the cornerback and the slot going ot the corner was easy as pie. Also: straws are piling up on the Graham camel.
Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Yards	Notes
1	10	M15	Run	12	Thompson is already in the game at this point. Er… unfortunately he misses a tackle(-1) and Harris(-1) blitzes and overruns the play; once past the two linebackers Young has a lot of room. Still, Thompson made the correct read and put himself in position to make a play on the ball.
1	10	M27	Run	17	The same play from the first drive that gained a ton of yards when the WLB turned it outside. The exact same thing happens on this play. This time it's Thompson(-1).
1	10	M44	Pass	Inc	Tate tries to go downfield but Woods(+1) is on him before he can let the play develop. Tate throws it but this is more of a throwaway. (TA)
2	10	M44	Penalty	-10	Jamar Adams is blocked in the back, allowing Sims to break outside. This is legitimate and stupid, since Adams(-1) had given up the outside already. Hall does little better.
2	20	M34	Run	9	Pat Massey(-1) gets shoved out of the hole and then driven into the ground. Burgess(-1) also takes an angle too far inside. Thompson makes a valiant effort to run it down from the backside but just can't make the tackle.
3	11	M43	Pass	7	A little dumpoff to Young. We fake a fourth rusher (Crable) and then drop him into a really short zone on third and ten, which I hate since he's useless there given down and distance. The coverage is good. (CA)
Drive Notes: Punt, 0-7, 4 min 4th Q. The punt is the controversial kick catch interference. I don't think there's actually any contact, but Breaston's vector was clearly altered by the gunner overrunning the play. Oh yes, Penn State fans, let me taste your yummy tears. On the drive itself, more ugly run defense; Thompson played this drive and didn't really do much.
Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Yards	Notes
1	10	O20	Pass	13	Another play where Tate scrambles around and finds an open man downfield, in between two converging defenders. Branch gets a pass rush but badly overruns Tate, opening up the lane. (DO)
1	10	O33	Pass	11	Hall starts this play seven yards off the wide receiver and his first two steps are backwards. Solomon runs a three yard stop and has a ton of room. (CA)
1	10	O44	Run	4	Massey(-1) again gets moved out instantly by a single block. Watson, doubled, gets pushed back a bit but manages to come off and make the tackle. Graham(-1) is buried by FB Bush; this has happened multiple times where Graham comes up and ends up crushed face-first into the ground by the Iowa FB.
2	6	O48	Penalty	-10	They sweep Young out the the right. Yanda gets called for a hold, and if he didn't get called the guy blocking Burgess was going to get called. Hold drawn by Branch(+1).
2	16	O38	Pass	6	A counter screen to Chandler. Mason(+1) forms up and stiffs Chandler impressively. Harris(+1) had previously sliced up between a couple blockers, stripping Chandler's escort. (CA)
3	10	O44	Pass	17	Actually really good coverage by Jamar Adams(+1), who gets a hand on Chandler as the ball gets there but can't strip it away. An excellent throw and catch by Iowa; nothing you can do about this, especially since Michigan was getting a fierce pass rush. (DO)
1	10	M39	Pass	9	Same thing as the Solomon pass earlier, where a giant, pansy cushion results in easy yardage for Iowa. (CA)
2	1	M30	Pass	Sack, -3	Jamison(+2) laughs at Young's foolish attempt to block him and does a sack/strip job on Tate. Note for opponents: don't block Jamison with a tailback.
3	4	M33	Pass	10	The design of this play seems ridiculous. Iowa is in a 3 WR 1 TE shotgun set with apparent man coverage that features David Harris vacating his place in the center of the zone to chase Grigsby, a slot WR, downfield while Mason sits defending a flat route; in between the two is a ton of space for Chandler. This is dumb. (CA)
1	10	M23	Run	5	I dunno. There's a cutback crease as Watson hops to the left where the play is supposed to go. We've got six in the box here against their 3 WR set, something wev'e gotten consistently gashed on all yeare.
2	5	M18	Pass	12	Short post in between Mason and Harrison… I'm baffled at the combination of passive CB play coupled with two deep zone. Another great show of timing between Tate and Solomon. (DO)
1	G	M6	Run	2	Credit to the DL. Will Johnson(+1) holds up against two guys here, forcing the play outside, where Trent cleans up.
2	G	M4	Pass	4	Touchdown. Another combo route against our zone; Chandler runs a fly right up the center of the field that the coverage bites on, opening up a little angle route for Grigsby. (CA)
Drive Notes: Touchdown, 7-14, 8 min 2nd Q. Sweet mercy. Tate was brilliant on this drive when he had to be, and the Iowa routes are ripping our zones to shreds. I don't get the combination of two-deep coverage and CBs playing 7-10 yards off like they're Jaren Hayes. We essentially have them 20 of these yards by playing way off.
Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Yards	Notes
1	10	O22	Penalty	-5	False start.
1	15	O17	Run	10	Trent(-1) is blitzing from the short side and runs right by Young. We had scissors and they had rock on this play, which has happened and awful lot so far.
2	5	O27	Pass	9	Chandler again. There's no way we can stop this given the defense we keep using, as Iowa knows exactly what zones we're using, exactly where the holes are, and exactly the routes to run to bust them open. You can count on one hand the number of times in this half we've had good coverage. (CA)
1	10	O36	Pass	Sack, -10	Technically an intentional grounding penalty, but functionally a sack that should be credited to Woods(+2), who got out on the waggle much faster than Tate expected and forced the penalty. Good coverage by Mason(+1) on the short option.
2	20	O26	Pass	Inc	Tate goes deep. Good coverage by Hall(+1). (IN)
3	20	O26	Pass	Sack, 0	First indication of some sort of adjustment here. Crable(+1) jams the TE's route and then comes on the delayed blitz we've seen before, forcing Tate up into the pocket where Woods(+1) finishes the job.
Drive Notes: Punt, 7-14, 4 min 2nd Q. Iowa fans started booing on the deep pass and didn't stop for three plays.
Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Yards	Notes
1	10	M49	Pass	Inc	Hall(+1) with great coverage on the deep route, which I guess is expected when you play off 10 yards every snap. Woods(+1) hits Tate as he throws. (IN)
2	10	M49	Pass	8	Three man rush w/ delayed blitz from Crable. Tate hits Young, who schools Mason(-1) and Hall(-1). (CA)
3	2	M41	Pass	Inc	Straight drop by Melloy well downfield. Fortunate to escape a first and ten from the 20 or so… he was wide damn open. (DO)
Drive Notes: Punt, 7-14, 2 min 2nd Q. Dodged a bullet.
Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Yards	Notes
1	10	50	Pass	Sack, -10	Woods(+2) with another sack, though this one is somewhat on Tate, who held the ball a little long. Woods did a very nice job slipping past the stunt pickup. (TA)
2	20	O40	Pass	Inc	Three man rush + late Crable again. Crable(+1) bats the pass down as he's coming. (BA)
3	20	O40	Run	10	A we give up run.
Drive Notes: EOH, 7-14. Woods has stopped two drives; we got lucky on a third; the rest is methodical Tate and me gritting my teeth re: Herrmann.
Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Yards	Notes
1	10	O30	Run	3	John Thompson(+1) again does a tantalizing slash-and-whiff job, forcing Young back into the teeth of the defense.
2	7	O33	Pass	4	Exploiting the soft coverage. Hall(+1) holds the YAC down as much as humanly possible. (CA)
3	3	O37	Pass	Int	A total gift, as Tate throws it right to a wide open Solomon. The ball goes through his hands and Harrison picks it off. (CA)
Drive Notes: Interception, 7-14, 14 min 3rd Q. A huge Iowa gaffe. Please bring this up the next time someone tries to tell you that Iowa doesn't beat itself. Not because I have anything against Iowa, I just have something against people who regurgitate conventional wisdom and want a cookie. No cookie for you.
Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Yards	Notes
1	10	O27	Run	-2	Hello John Thompson(+2)! Thompson reads the hole and shoots up through it quickly, beating a block along the way, as he's done before. This time he makes the tackle, for a loss even.
2	12	O25	Pass	16	Solomon in a seam of the zone downfield. Burgess(-1) and Adams(-1) simply don't break on the ball even though Tate stares down Solomon the whole way. (CA)
1	10	O41	Run	-1	Nobody's blocked here. Jamison(+1), as he's done a few times this year, teleports past his guy before he even knows he's gone. Thompson(+1) again reads and fills, making the tackle.
2	10	O40	Pass	21	Tate throws a beautiful fade right on the sideline. Harrison is a split second too late, but I don't know if this is really anyone's fault when Tate throws this so well. (DO)
1	10	M39	Run	4	Thompson on the tackle again, though it was barely.
2	6	M35	Run	5	This one's up the gut against a DT tandem of Taylor(-1) and Johnson(-1), who both get single blocked easily, allowing the center to seal off Harris and cut back for good yardage.
3	1	M30	Run	1	Barely makes this as Michigan has players in the backfield.
1	10	M29	Run	-1	Again Jamison isn't blocked at the line at all, and two guys, a pulling guard and the fullback, end up blocking him in the backfield, leaving Thompson to sit unmolested at the LOS and make an easy tackle. More of an Iowa bust than anything.
2	11	M30	Run	6	Shotgun draw to Young. Adams(-1) is coming on a blitz and should have a tackle for two but misses. Harris and Burgess are both fighting blockers and do well to hold this to six.
3	5	M24	Pass	Inc	Tate is pissed at the WR for not running the comeback route properly. (Uh... I don't have a category for this.)
Drive Notes: Blocked FG(41), 10-14, 4 min 3rd Q. Harris(+1) gets the block. We've shored up against the run… sort of. Three passes to three open receivers; save for miscommunication this would be fist and goal.
Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Yards	Notes
1	10	O28	Run	9	The backside of the zone stretch has been open all day and is again. Adams(-1) comes up and cuts outside for some reason, leaving a gaping hole for Young to spring up through.
2	1	O37	Run	3	Good job by Harris to fight off a blocker; Iowa isn't doubling anyone along the line and our LBs are fighting off blockers every time.
1	10	O40	Pass	Inc	Young is open underneath and drops what would end up as six or seven yards. (CA)
2	10	O40	Pass	4	Counter screen to Chandler #2. Thompson(-1) overpusues and gets cut behind… Chandler is like a 8 foot tall TE, man, that's embarassing. (CA)
3	6	O44	Pass	4	Looks like a screen for a half second as Jamison(+1) and someone I can't ID get free after the intial fake and force Tate to dump it off to Young, who gets smoked by Mason(+2), thus preventing the first down. Mason hates Buddhism. (CA)
Drive Notes: Punt, 10-14, 14 min 4th Q.
Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Yards	Notes
1	10	M27	Penalty	-10	Holding on a screen. Apparently drawn by Branch(+1) as he's driving towards Tate encumbered by an Iowa lineman and then falls. Probably a bad call but no conclusive replay is shown.
1	20	M37	Run	2	Fabulous job by Branch(+2) to hop outside the tackler to force Young inside and then to leap back inside the blocker and make the tackle.
2	18	M35	Run	9	We've been hopping inside their TE/tackle and pressuring the QB with regularity; here Iowa burns us on it by allowing the DE to do so at the snap, leaving Burgess in a no win situation with way too much ground to try and cover. Branch(-1) vacates.
3	9	M26	Pass	Sack, -7	This also looks like a screen, though it is not. Branch(+2) owns a guard and gets in almost untouched. Burgess(+1) comes from a linebacker spot as a fourth rusher and stunts around a couple of confused Hawkeyes to finish the play.
Drive Notes: Punt, 10-14, 11 min 4th Q. Yes, Kirk Ferentz just punted from his 33 yard line. I love the guy and think he's a fabulous coach but I'm souring on his in game decisions after witnessing his Carrization in this game combined with the botched time management against LSU and the decision to take a safety in the 6-4 game against PSU last year.
Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Yards	Notes
1	10	O20	Pass	18	Okay, I'm really sick of watching Burgess(-1) chase TEs downfield as both he and Harris bite hard on the waggle. (CA)
1	10	O38	Pass	7	They throw the slip screen to Chandler; it works. Burgess just looks really slow every time I see him, like he's running in molasses. (CA)
2	3	O45	Pass	4	Long handoff to Solomon. Argh… giant… cushions… crushing… soul. (CA)
1	10	O49	Pass	Inc	Abortive waggle because Grigsby thinks he's blocking a run play. Where was the guy in the flat? (Again... WR screwup)
2	10	O49	Pass	Inc	Chandler drops a pass, actually deflecting it right to Harris(-1), who drops an easy one. (CA)
3	10	O49	Pass	Sack, -4	Tate fumbles the shotgun snap.
Drive Notes: Punt, 17-14, 7 min 4th Q. Fenstermaker's punts are averaging something like 25 yards. Again Iowa stubs its toe two or three times and forces itself to punt.
Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Yards	Notes
1	10	O12	Pass	12	Waggle and Tate finds an open Solomon. (DO)
1	10	O24	Pass	12	Yay zone! Chandler in between Trent and Burgess. (CA)
1	10	O36	Run	5	Major hole between Branch and a really, really blocked Harris(-1)
2	5	O41	Run	8	Iowa runs right at a LB lined up at DT, which, uh, sort of works. They're at the 50 with 2 minutes and three Tos left… not a definite passing down.
1	10	O49	Pass	30	Yay zone! When the closest guy to a slot WR downfield is your middle linebacker, you screwed up. I don't think this is a catch, actually… but I also don't think it should have been overturned. (DO)
1	10	M21	Run	6	Young bounces outside as Michigan has five in the box, three down, and Jamar Adams(-1) coming on a blitz; he reads run and lets it escape outside.
2	4	M15	Run	1	Watson(+1) pushes his guy into the backfield and makes a very nice tackle.
3	3	M14	Pass	2	Credit to Adams(+1) here for making the form tackle and preventing the first down, but mostly to Crable(+1) for shedding his blocker and preventing young from bouncing it outside. (Not charted.)
Drive Notes: FG(32) EO Regulation. Yay zone!
Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Yards	Notes
1	10	M25	Pass	Inc	Waggle yet again; Woods(+1) leaps and blocks the pass. (BA)
2	10	M25	Run	1	Thompson sheds a blocker(+1) and sticks Young in the hole. Watson is also coming.
3	9	M24	Pass	10	Via holding penalty on Crable(-1)… useless, useless penalty. Adams unfairly blamed. Solomon should have caught this ball. (CA)
1	10	M14	Run	1	The center can't get out to block Thompson in time and he simply fills the hole (created by Massey moonwalking five yards backwards, natch).
2	9	M13	Pass	3	Stop route they've used to good effect already. This time Hall(+1) manages to come up in time and makes a just good enough tackle. (CA)
2	6	M10	Pass	Inc	Tate's throw to Solomon lays him out along the sidelines. Tough catch… open if more accurate. (IN... harsh)
Drive Notes: FG(27), 20-17, OT.

So how does Tate stack up?

Sweet Jesus. Keep in mind that two plays where the receivers clearly screwed up didn't get charted, nor did a couple of occurrences of heavy, immediate pass rush. I've included the post-charting-revamp Henne stats for comparison. Here you go:

Team	Dead on	Catchable	Inaccurate	Bad Read	Throwaways	Batted
TATE	9	22	3	0	2	2
MSU	4	25	1	3	3	1
MINN	5	11	5	3	2	3
PSU	5	19	6	6	5	2
IOWA	7	7	5	3	1	1

Great galloping gravy! Remember the breakdown of positive/negative downfield plays I did for the PSU game? Henne had 14 positive to 16 negative. Take away two TE screens, two dumpoffs to Young on third and long, and four Solomon stop routes (to play this conservatively) and Tate had 23 positive to 7 negative, and that's being super harsh on the "Inaccurate" category, which holds two bombs and the third down comeback route in OT that glanced off Solomon's fingertips.

It's not fair to hold Henne to that standard--it probably isn't fair to hold Tate to that standard, that was one of the finest quarterbacked games I've seen, like, ever--but that's kind of mindboggling. Seriously, I think Tate made a total of three bad plays (holding the ball too long on one sack, fumbling a snap, and letting Woods bat a ball down on the waggle easily). That says a lot about Tate and a lot about how far away from him Henne has been this year.

Doesn't that say something else, too?

Yes, yes it does. This was a wretched defensive performance. Reviewing the tape I kept thinking to myself "how did we win this game?" A large part of Tate's success was due to Michigan never using man coverage. We played so far off their receivers that the only time we actually covered them is when they went deep. Seriously. I count three instances of tight coverage this entire game: the two deep balls and the Chandler catch that Adams got a hand on. Maybe the fade down the sideline against Harrison. For those scoring at home, Tate threw 34 passes by my count (some were erased by penalty). Coverage was nonexistent.

What stops we did get were either due to good fortune (drops, gifted interceptions, penalties) or a good pass rush and a sack off a stunt. Drive by drive:

1. Touchdown
2. An incomplete bomb and a stupid block in the back puts Iowa in 2nd and 20, we hold.
3. Touchdown
4. Great play by Woods to force a intentional grounding call puts Iowa in 2nd and 20.
5. Iowa drop.
6. Woods sack on first down and Crable bat put Iowa in 3rd and 20.
7. Gift interception; should have been first down.
8. WR runs wrong route.
9. Mason thumps Young two yards short.
10. Sack from great pass rush, again Iowa in first and 20 after penalty.
11. Series goes WR screwup, drop, fumbled snap.
12. FG. Legit stop but only after giving up 70 yards quickly.
13. FG. Route is open but glances off Solomon's hands.
    

You have three instances of Iowa putting themselves behind the eight ball with penalties, five Iowa execution screwups, and exactly two instances of Michigan actually stopping the Hawkeyes without aid of a penalty. This is the essence of bend-but-don't-break: sit back until your opponents screw up, if they screw up. Michigan blitzed two times (I don't count the delaying LB tactic as a blitz as the LB is the fourth rusher). Two! Even blitz-hating TMQ would find that excessive. You can count the instances of man coverage on one hand . Not coincidentally, you can count the instances of covered receivers on the other hand.

We had the good fortune to get a number of drive-killing Iowa mistakes and thus managed to hold them to 17 points, but Michigan's defensive strategy in this game loses it 8 out of 10 times. We relied on Iowa drops and penalties and failed stunt pickups to win this game, which is crazy considering that Iowa was the least penalized team in the league coming in and is generally regarded as one of the best coached teams in college football. A series of flukes conspired against them in this game, otherwise they put up 30+.

This was probably the worst defensive performance in a very long time. It was worse than Michigan State. It was worse than Michigan State last year. It was worse than Ohio State or Texas last year. We stopped nothing. But for Woods playing phoenix and Branch getting instant pass rush, there's nothing redeeming from this game.

The worst part about all of this is that the players didn't seem to play particularly badly outside of Graham and Massey, but they were consistently put in no-win situations. We got a number of great plays from Woods and Branch and even John Thompson, but if someone wasn't making a great play, Iowa was getting a giant chunk of yardage. What kind of defense is that?

Yes, this seems viciously harsh for a game in which Iowa scored 17 points in regulation, but ask yourself: when Iowa got the ball back with two minutes to go, what did you think our chances of stopping them were?

Did anything good happen?

Well, the best thing I can say is that we were absent Woodley, who's obviously our best defensive player, and Branch should be able to move inside soon if Woods is allowed to play and Biggs returns. I'm sure Pat Massey is a great guy but he should be a roleplayer on this defense. Will he be? No, the evidence of such has been there since about game two. Nothing's changed, and so nothing will change.

John Thompson made a good debut as a first-string linebacker but it wasn't as good as it appeared watching it live. Thompson missed a few tackles, overran a play or two, and was in for a lot more productive rushes against than it initially seemed. However, he clearly has a knack for showing up around the ball and with some more experience should start making those plays he barely missed against Iowa. He also seems like kind of a yappy, trash-talking guy, and we need one of those.

Grant Mason's hit was also kind of awesome; remind me to write derogatory zen koans about Henne.

What about the...

Player	+	-	T	Notes
Woodley	-	-	-	You will be healthy for Northwestern!
Woods	9	-	9	Goddamn, son. Good to know we've buried you on the bench all year.
Taylor	-	1	-1
Massey	1	4	-3	Typical.
Watson	2	-	2	Mostly avoided.
Johnson	1	1	0
Jamison	4	-	4	Kid can rush the passer.
Branch	5	1	4	Didn't do much except for a series of great plays interspersed with a bad one on one second half drive.
Burgess	2	5	-3	Still chasing Chandler.
Harris	3	3	0	Worst game since he became a starter. Still did okay.
Graham	-	4	-4	Job in serious jeopardy.
Thompson	4	4	0	Not as good as it appeared but still superior to Graham.
Crable	4	1	3	Effective rushing the passer.
Mason	4	1	3	Zen!
Hall	4	1	3	Seems generous for the corners when Tate goes nuts but I've made my position on the defense clear.
Trent	-	1	-1
Adams	2	4	-2
Engelmon	-	1	-	Didn't play much.
Harrison	-	-	-

Yes, apparently generous but in line with what I thought happened: Woods saved the game for us, the linebackers were a disaster (-7 in total on a scale that tends towards +, since I'm not counting passing-down-only Crable as a LB), and the secondary was sold out by the obvious, repetitive coverages they were assigned.

In summary...

We kept calling scissors and were shocked (shocked!) when Iowa kept going "rock, rock, rock."

What does it all mean for Northwestern?

Woo haa! It could go one of two ways: Woodley, a revamped Woods, and Branch on the interior annihilate the Northwestern DL on a regular enough basis to keep the Wildcats relatively down. Or they don't and it's track meet time.

This Sutton kid is a lot like Mike Hart, a pint-sized pack of pterror. Dude came straight from an Ohio middle school to become the 5th-leading rusher in the country. He cracked 100 yards against Penn State's formidable defense. He broke out Rex-Kwon-Do against Wisconsin, gashing them for 244 yards. He was "held" to 89 yards against Purdue... on 13 carries! I quiver in fear. He has that feint-inside bounce-outside thing that Calhoun, Walker, Wolfe... well, damn near everyone has burned us with. He also catches the ball out of the backfield--21 receptions for over 10 yards a pop--just like Calhoun did. Much will depend upon how real John Thompson is, because we need someone other than Harris who can take the correct angle.

It's time to face facts, though: we're two-thirds of the way through the season and we have the 76th ranked rushing defense in the country. This is no fluke. Set aside the EMU nothingness. Every team that we've played has gashed us. If you consider the MSU tailbacks a single person, we haven't held a single opponent running back under 100 yards all year. Why is this? Massey, no doubt, plus Watson's eminently disappointing year. Throw in safeties 12 yards off the LOS on almost every play, and outside linebackers who have been really bad and you have a noxious cocktail that is not going to get any more palatable against Northwestern's fireworks display. Expect Sutton to get his 100. Hope he doesn't get his 200.

Brett Bazanez will do the exact same thing Tate did. He'll roll out a ton and find his receivers smoothly in the context of his offense. If we don't change the way we play defense we're going to die by a thousand papercuts.

Unverified Voracity 10/27

The numbers, I no like. They, how you say, ass. Straight Bangin' filched a message board post about the efficacy of Lloydball that's interesting, though perhaps not as stark as it's framed. The upshot:

• In the last five years, Michigan has held a 10 point or less lead at the start of the fourth quarter sixteen times. It won seven of those games; in three of the victories Michigan lost the lead before winning the game.
• Over the same time span, Michigan's entered the fourth quarter trailing "narrowly" seven times and won six.

Now, I'm somewhat suspicious of the methodology here that uses a specific cutoff for the leading stat and then a vague "narrowly" for the trailing stat and only covers five years instead of Carr's entire career, but I think there may be something in the numbers. Michigan fans throw around the idea of the Michigan "scoring offense" that emerges when Michigan really needs it (trailing in the fourth) but hibernates when it doesn't (leading). The games referenced show a striking lack of said scoring offense when Michigan leads.

Carr's late game strategy may have made sense at one time when Michigan gave up 300 yards a game, pounded people on the ground, and didn't have a real knack for giving up game-winning touchdown drives, but those days are gone. Michigan now has a tetchy, finesse run game ill suited to attacking eight man fronts and a defense that's eminently mediocre. It's ironic to hear him talking about "keeping the ball away from their offense"--impossible to do in any meaningful fashion-- when Carr fails to take advantage of the one time in a football game in which you can actually play keepaway: right at the end.

The college football blogging capital of the world appears to be Georgia. I realize Georgia is not, in fact, a city. Roll with it. Anyway, you've got ATL/Athens-based Sexy Results, EDSBS (Orson faction), and Eagle In Atlanta plus an absolute flood of Dawg bloggers: Paul Westerdawg, Kyle King, I'm A Realist, NKOTB The Drizzle, and needs-more-pub-and-possibly-vicodin Gunslingers. I mention it because Gunslingers' most recent media Hulk-smash job pushed a lot of my buttons when it fisked the always-intolerable "Sports Reporters." This little passage, well...

Ryan: With all due respect to our friends in Blacksburg and Tuscaloosa... We don't want you. OK. [Lupica tries to interrupt] Don't take this personally. We don't want you.The rest of us in America want SC and Texas. We want those 2 programs, we want... That's the only Rose Bowl we want.

Lupica: How can you possibly say that?

Ryan: Because THAT'S THE TRUTH. The generic college football sportsfan wants that battle of the titans and nothing else. We don't want VT, we don't want Alabama. We want Texas and SC, Michael that's the truth.

... made me want to find Ryan's crab-cake eating mouth and, I dunno, wire it shut. And then staple it some. Not for effect, just so I can hear his pained moans chitter through the wires. The idea of Bob Ryan, whose last conscious thought about college football was no dobut "that Flutie kid has potential," attempting to capture the college football zeitgeist from somewhere in New England is simultaneously maddening and hilarious, especially since college football is the place where the love of the 'dog is most celebrated. No one outside of USC fans--all six of them--and media members looking for "the story" want to see USC in the Rose Bowl. Everyone wants to see some goalposts taken on vacation.

In any case, Gunslingers spins this and other media flagrancies into a narrative about the evils of narrative re: sports that's well worth reading.

Oh, you kidder, you. Is Glen Mason really going to bolt Minnesota? Has the UMinn adminstration totally forgotten what the football team was like before his arrival? Fanblogs details the weird state of Gopher State U.

I was going to say something about the Fisher DeBerry thing, but someone already said it for me. So: I cosign SMQ's take on the matter, word for word. Word!

Totally OT section: BC&RS has Joey Harrington trapped in her basement. Microsoft tells you how to interpret this blog's totally 1337 sp33k. (HT: This Community High kid... Arbor Blogs aggregator, I swear I'm not stalking high school kids on the Internets.) EDSBS throws the UGA logo on pale ale... er, and Jesus (not Stanton, the other Jesus). The Sooner Farkers have some fun with a Michigan cheerleader.

Upon Further Review: Iowa Offense

Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Player	Yards	Notes
1	10	M15	Pass	Manningham	15	Dude we took the ball. Manningham's out is wide open. (CA)
1	10	M30	Run	Hart	6	Henige pulls around and gets a good block, as does Thompson.
2	4	M36	Pass	Breaston	10	Slip screen to Breaston. Mass and Avant block it well; Breaston looks about as healthy as possible. (CA)
1	10	M46	Run	Hart	5	Hart injury. On this play he cuts outside and slices up, but he should have gone straight upfield.
2	5	O49	Run	Grady	2	Takes a draw and slips after a few steps. This probably would have worked for something close to a first down without the slip.
3	3	O47	Pass	Massaquoi	Inc	A really, really bad throw. Massaquoi is open and stationary; Henne misses him badly. (IN)
Drive Notes: Punt, 0-0, 12 min 1st Q. Second straight game Michigan's initial drive has ended with a third and three with an open receiver that Henne just misses.
Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Player	Yards	Notes
1	10	M19	Run	Hart	2	Hart again cuts out side because there's absolutely nothing where the play is supposed to go. You can clearly see he doesn't have his usual explosion.
2	8	M21	Pass/Penalty	Breaston	Inc / 5	Uh, yeah, another terribly thrown ball (IN). The call is ridiculous as well; ball is uncatchable; guy is on time.
1	10	M26	Run	Hart	1	He ain't right. Another cut outside, would have been 5 with a good ankle.
2	9	M27	Pass	Avant	15	Slant to Avant in some softish zone coverage. The interior WR's route opens up the space for Avant, and a very good throw opens up some YAC. (DO)
1	10	M42	Pass	Breaston	Inc	Breaston is open on an out ten yards downfield, Henne plain misses him. (IN)
2	10	M42	Pass	No one	Sack, -4	Self sack. Ugh.
3	14	M38	Pass	Tabb	12	Henne has all day to throw; no one seems open from the TV replay. He hits Tabb in stride but it's short of the first down. (CA)
Drive Notes: Punt, 0-7, 7 min 1st Q. The first bad call with the weak PI call, though Michigan doesn't capitalize. Henne is alternating NFL-caliber throws with total flakeouts.
Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Player	Yards	Notes
1	10	M32	Run	Martin	3	Yes, this a fumble, and no, Max Martin shouldn’t be playing.
2	7	M35	Run	Grady	4	Grinding forward a little bit.
3	3	M39	Run	Grady	7	Grady makes a Hart-like cut outside and then moves up into the hole quickly.
1	10	M46	Scramble	Henne	3	Play action; Henne has a ton of time but can't find anyone and runs straight upfield. (TA)
2	7	M49	Run	Grady	9	A pitch play that Grady makes a good, hard cut against the grain on when Iowa overcommits outside.
1	10	O42	Pass	Hart	9	A checkdown to Hart that I can live with, I mean, 9 yards. (CA)
2	1	O33	Run	Hart	2	Nothing resembling a hole; the OL does a nice job of driving the Iowa DL a couple yards down the field and picking up the first.
1	10	O31	Pass	Avant	24	More play action; Avant cuts on an in route and is wide open; Henne hits him downfield between the numbers (DO).
1	G	O7	Run	Grady	2	Just a ton of guys in the box… not too surprising on first and goal, but there's no crease.
2	G	O5	Pass	Avant	5	Touchdown. Beautifully floated over the zone coverage on a clever little fade route to the center of the endzone. Excellent play all around. (DO)
Drive Notes: Touchdown, 7-7, 14 min 2nd Q. Good running from Grady on this drive, though his hole-picking abilities are limited later on. I just don't think we have an OL good enough to take advantage of his abilities. Henne makes two great throws on the drive.
Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Player	Yards	Notes
1	10	M20	Pass/Penalty	Breaston	2	Henne checks down to Breaston; Antwaan Allen is all over the route and gets called for PI. The replay is unhelpful in detemining legit-ness.
1	10	M22	Run	Bass	3	QB sweep highly remiscent of the Randall Cunningham Super Tecmo Bowl money play that we've run a few time with Bass. This was going to work for a lot, except Avant's feet trip Bass up. Why does this work? It is the mystery.
2	7	M25	Pass/Penalty	Dutch	15	Uh… yeah. This call is ridiculous on two levels: 1) Johnson had jumped the route perfectly and was making a play on the ball. 2) Instead of a spot foul they mark off a full 15 yards. Ugly all around. I bet famous PSU internet nutcases MarshCreek and Beast of da East sit in a dark room, watching this play over and over again, touching themselves in an impure manner.
1	10	M40	Run	Grady	7	Grady's offset and we pull a guard over to the right side. Grady finds a cutback lane and heads upfield nicely. Credit to Kraus and Lentz, who drive the DTs back a long way.
2	3	M47	Run	Grady	4	Another good job by the interior OL. Grady clearly makes a wrong cut, going to a jammed up right instead of an open left.
1	10	O49	Pass	Avant	Inc	Greenway's zone drop deflects the pass on an in route very similar to the one Avant caught on Michigan's earlier touchdown drive. (BA)
2	10	O49	Run	Grady	4	Not much here. Grady's power gets two or three as he just burrows behind the linemen.
3	6	O45	Pass/Penalty	Avant	-5	Depressing that this gets called back, as Henne nails Avant well downfield right in stride. The penalty is illegal motion on Avant, who took a tiny step forward before the snap. (DO)
3	11	50	Pass	No one	Inc	Iowa rushes three; Henne immediately panics and throws it into the third row despite not having anyone within five yards of him. (BR).
Drive Notes: Punt, 7-14, 5 min 2nd Q. Brandt is yammering on about how the last play was smart. I am yammering on about how Brandt is dumb. Before it Henne had been having a sustained period of good play. From this point on, Iowa rushes three and waits for Hennepanic on critical third downs all day.
Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Player	Yards	Notes
1	10	M32	Run	Grady	1	Nothing.
2	9	M33	Pass	Avant	11	Avant gets free from Hodge in man coverage--Hodge is good, but that's a mismatch. Henne hits him right in stride, allowing some YAC. (DO)
1	10	M44	Pass	Manningham	Int	The Manningham route controversy. Okay. He ran a bad route. Why did Henne throw it to his bad, covered route? Why didn't he check off to Avant, wide open on a deep corner route? Why didn't he just lob it downfield when Manningham was about to break open? That safety is not invisible, and by the time Henne throws it's clear Manningham's not breaking his route off. (BR)
Drive Notes: Interception, 7-14, 3 min 2nd Q. Partial exoneration to Henne here, but not total.
Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Player	Yards	Notes
1	10	M17	Run	Grady	7	Draw against a six man front with three wide. Grady cuts it outside where the hole is after a nice block from Massaquoi.
2	3	M24	Run	Grady	1	Stenavich can't control his man and lets him disengage, screwing up this play which was otherwise well blocked. Grady actually plows into Stenavich.
3	2	M25	Run	Grady	1	Check with me into a run aginst a six man front, reasonable. Unfortunately, our OL just get its ass kicked. Long misses his block on Hodge, though he doesn't have an angle for it… Grady may have picked the wrong hole.
Drive Notes: Punt, 7-14, 1 min 2nd Q. Okay, Brandt has to go screw himself, since he just started talking about how Henne was so good at the end of the PSU game at managing the clock. He's intolerable. I don't have a problem with the playcalling here. Michigan should be able to get two yards against six guys in the box--I think this third down is on Grady, as the blocking scheme makes no sense given the direction he takes.
Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Player	Yards	Notes
1	10	O42	Run	Grady	5	Grady runs off guard behind Henige and runs right up his back. He pushes the pile for a bit.
2	5	O37	Run	Grady	3	Ugh. Hart pops this baby outside and picks up 10 or 15, since the linebackers all draw up and get blocked and the corner on the slot also gets plugged. Grady just kind of plows into Long from behind. This run really disturbed me--Underwood flashback.
3	2	O34	Run	Grady	-1	This is supposed to be a stretch to the far side of the field but it's blown up because exactly one Iowa player gets blocked. Total failure.
4	3	O35	Pass	Ecker	13	Waggle that everyone bites on hard, thus Ecker is open. Henne its him between the numbers on the run. (DO)
1	10	O22	Run	Grady	5	Pitch short side. Grady shows his good side by fighting through a tackle fiercely for an extra couple at the end.
2	5	O17	Pass	Avant	13	Thrown by Bass (thus not charted). Avant's wide open and any throw that doesn't take him off his feet is a touchdown. A beautiful catch by Avant.
1	G	O4	Run	Grady	0	Have we passed on first down and goal yet? This is just ugly. No one gets blocked.
2	G	O4	Pass	Avant	Inc	Fade to Avant is just off his fingertips. (CA, even though he didn't.)
3	G	O4	Run	Henne	-3	Just because the quarterback draw always works against us does not mean it always works.
Drive Notes: FG(26) 10-14, 8 min 3rd Q. There's an obvious dropoff from Hart to Grady, and another straw on the camel back here that eventually leads to Jackson's entrance.
Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Player	Yards	Notes
1	10	M24	Pass	Ecker	5	Christ. This is a completion that Henne throws rolling out, across his body that had INT written all over it. Arm strength to the rescue. (CA? DO? BR? Freakin' insane? We'll go with CA.)
2	5	M29	Run	Grady	2	Draw looks very open before Hodge manages to slip through a crease and attack Grady from the side as he passes. Nice play from him; wonder if maybe Hart avoids him.
3	3	M31	Scramble	Henne	0	All day to throw again, another three man rush that turns into a TWO man rush when DT Kroul just sort of stops running. Henne just decides to run up into him. (BR)
Drive Notes: Punt, 10-14, 2 min 3rd Q. Another instance of Henne panicking in the face of lots of dudes in a zone.
Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Player	Yards	Notes
1	10	M27	Run	Bass	0	The "fumble." Funny how no one mentions this play in their conspiracy theories.
Drive Notes: Fumble, 10-14, 14 min 3rd Q. If you do not know the rules, you should not be an official.
Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Player	Yards	Notes
1	10	M12	Run	Jackson	19	Huge run from Jackson, who manages to pop out of the pile four yards downfield. Great job by everyone to maintain their blocks, Ecker especially.
1	10	M31	Run	Jackson	2	Jackson's delayed by a linebacker who falls at his feet, allowing Merrick to come up make the stop near the LOS.
2	8	M33	Pass	Grady	-3	A screen that's going nowhere. Grady turns around and is instantly popped.
3	11	M30	Pass	Avant	18	They try the same rush three trick and Henne finally waits for his guys downfield, hitting Avant with a bullet on a deep in route. (DO)
1	10	M48	Pass	Breaston	52	Yeehaw! Breaston feints inside of Tabb's excellent block and then pops outside of it, delaying the safety just enough with the move so that he can only dive at Breaston's legs as he streaks by. (CA)
Drive Notes: Touchdown, 17-14, 9 min 3rd Q. Someone get Tabb a cookie STAT. It's still a mystery to me why he doesn't play more. He should have all the routes down by now, apparently has good hands, and we know he's fast… he's the safety on the kickoff team.
Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Player	Yards	Notes
1	10	M32	Run	Jackson	3	Dive up the middle.
2	7	M35	Pass	Thompson	Inc	He's open in the flat; Henne throws it hard and off target, forcing him to dive. (IN)
3	7	M35	Pass/Penalty	No one	5	Henne's sacked but is incidentally facemasked. Henige exits the field with an injury; Alex Mitchell is the replacement. Good news for next year?
3	2	M40	Run	Jackson	7	A nice play by Jackson to read the no-hole in the middle and slide outside for the first. Totally disturbing how our OL can't get anything here against a six man front.
1	10	M47	Run	Jackson	1	Eight guys in the box; this is no check with me, either. Just nothing from the OL at all.
2	9	M48	Run	Jackson	4	Pitch outside that's reasonably well blocked.
3	5	O48	Run	Jackson	2	This is, in fact, a check with me; Henne goes with the run play and it goes behind Mitchell and Steno, both of whom get stood up at the line.
Drive Notes: Punt, 17-14, 3 min 4th Q. I really dislike the first down play call. And the second down play call given it's 2nd and 9. Henne's check with me on third down was reasonble; we single block those guys and Jackson acquires the first with ease. We just totally failed to get it done against Iowa's undersized line. Story of the year.
Dn	Dst	Line	Type	Player	Yards	Notes
1	10	O25	Run	Jackson	2	Long doesn't block anyone and anyone makes the tackle.
2	8	O23	Pass	Avant	18	Goddamn, Jason. That's an unbelievable catch of a terribly thrown ball, now that I see that the Iowa defender was not in position to pick that off if it was thrown accurately. (IN)
1	G	O5	Run	Jackson	4	Just sort of falls four yards forward somehow. Michigan manages to create a tiny crease that Jackson squirts through.
2	G	O1	Run	Jackson	0	Submarined.
3	G	O1	Run	Jackson	1	Touchdown.
Drive Notes: Touchdown, 23-20, EOG. Praise the lawd!

OMG REFEREEING!!!

I thought I had security deal with you. All right, here's the scoop:

• Michigan fumbled around its 30 in the first half, and it was wrongly called down and then not reviewed. Michigan did not fumble around its 30 in the second half, it was correctly called down (and whistled) and then incorrectly overturned by review. This is essentially a wash.
• As many Michigan fans have commented or emailed, there is a specific portion of the rulebook that makes it very clear that actual contact is not necessary for kick catch interference to be called:

  VI. On a scrimmage kick beyond the neutral zone, a Team A player stands in or runs through an area close to a Team B player who is in position to catch the ball and is deemed to have impeded the Team B player. RULING: Interference with the opportunity to catch a kick. Penalty—15 yards from the spot of the foul, which is where the Team B player was positioned to catch the kick.

  Given this passage this passage also in the rulebook: "When in question, it is an interference foul," I think it's clear that the correct call was made on the Breaston muff.
• Michigan was the beneficiary of two awful pass interference calls and one that was iffy. Especially egregious was the Dutch/Allen play where Allen jumped the route and was clearly making a play on the ball but was flagged, especially because instead of a six or seven yard penalty the referees incorrectly assessed a full fifteen yards.

Assuming that you're not a complete nutcase, the end result is horrible officiating all around that ended up slightly benefiting Michigan. More concerning than wild-ass conspiracy theories is the overall state of Big Ten officiating, which is dismal. In the Ohio State-Indiana game actually featured a mulligan on a kick return that the referees couldn't figure out:

IU's Austin Starr popped a short kickoff in the air, and Ohio State linebacker Mike D'Andrea called for a fair catch at the Buckeyes' 30. He fumbled the ball and Indiana linebacker Josh Powers recovered for the Hoosiers.

But one of the officials apparently blew what was later described as an inadvertent whistle when D'Andrea was attempting to make the catch.

Instead of giving either team the ball, the officials huddled and opted to replay the kickoff. In golf terms, it was a mulligan.

(HT: Buckeye Commentary)

Multiple Michigan games have featured replay officials who simply don't know the rule book. This probably has something to do with the fact that the officials are actually insurance salesmen or taco vendors or vacuum repairdudes who moonlight as referees. How much would it actually cost to get some professional referees? I'm completely baffled by major college football's reliance on part-timers when a relative drop in the revenue bucket would mean that referees would know the rules of the game.

But, anyway...

How did Henne play?

I'm torn. On the one hand he rifled a fair quantity of balls directly into the hands of Michigan wide receivers. On the other, he rifled a few critical third downs into the crowd without an Iowa player within three yards of him.

This is what the chart says:

Team	Dead on	Catchable	Inaccurate	Bad Read	Throwaways	Batted
NIU	19	4	5	2	2	1
ND	15	7	9	5	3	5
EMU	12	2	4	0	0	0
UW	11	6	11	2	1	2
MSU	4	25	1	3	3	1
MINN	5	11	5	3	2	3
PSU	5	19	6	6	5	2
IOWA	7	7	5	3	1	1

(I didn't chart two of the PI plays.)

Henne threw much less than he did against Penn State but ended up with more very nice passes than he's had since I shifted the numbers to something more sane. However, he also threw five inaccurate balls and had the three bad reads, one of which was the Manningham interception. If you buy the idea that said interception was all on Manningham then it looks like a pretty good day, but I don't.

Strangely enough, Henne seemed to be inaccurate on a lot of short stop routes that should be easy for any quarterback (and certainly were for Tate). Also, we didn't go deep all day unless you count the Manningham interception--probably because Iowa was content to sit back and let their linebackers make plays against whoever was Not Mike Hart at the moment.

Still, this was probably his best performance of the year considering the level of competition. Those seven DOs were all nice throws that were either far downfield or that led receivers for big chunks of YAC.

Why can't we run?

God, I don't know. The constant theme of this year's running game has been terrible run blocking. Hart's been able to magic his way into a productive year when he's been on the field but the severe dropoff to his backups is more than evident.

Will Jake Long's return help?

To some extent, though I think it's more important for pass coverage. If Long is healthy and in-form he should make the right side of the line a more credible area to run, no offense intended to Riley. It won't fix our problems at guard. Neither Lentz or Henige has really shown any ability to crease a line and drive someone out of the hole. We've been facing a lot of Pat Masseys this year, but when was the last time you saw anyone crush an opposing Massey to the ground and a running back flit through the vast hole opened?

I don't think this will be much of a problem against Northwestern or Indiana, but I would be shocked if we averaged anything more than two yards a carry against OSU.

[INCOHERENT SCREAMING ABOUT MANNINGHAM]

Look, I know he's nicknamed and everything, but he's got a long way to go if he doesn't know to break that route off into a wide open area of the field. It has to bother you that at this point in the year he still lines up wrong on a consistent basis. He is just a freshman, he's probably dinged up, and he's having issues picking up the whole offense. You're probably going to see him come in less often than you'd like, but that doesn't mean anyone's holding him back. He's just young.

Why does running Antonio Bass from the QB spot always seem to work?

I have no idea. Against Iowa the first iteration would have gone for a big gain save for an unfortunate trip. They did defense the second one well, but so far it's hitting at a 75% rate. It doesn't make a lick of sense to me.

What does it mean for Northwestern?

Given that the Wildcats are dead freakin' last in DI defense, I would certainly hope that we can get into a 54-51 type game, no matter how much Lloyd wants to avoid a shootout. As you'll see tomorrow, I don't think we win anything but a shootout. It's either blowout or shootout.

So. We need Mike Hart back. We need Long and the rest of the OL to give Henne time to throw, and we need Henne to keep mistakes to a reasonable minimum, because this should be an up-and-down game. Northwestern's defense is not going to make a lot of plays. What will kill drives will probably be Michigan's own mistakes, and we'll only be able to afford a limited number of them. Therefore Grady and his wrong cuts and Martin and his ball repulsion skills should take a hefty back seat to Run DNC against the Wildcats. The offensive gameplan should revolve heavily around Avant's ultra-reliability and WR screens to our fast bastards against the small Northwestern secondary.

We're going to try to run, which isn't a totally dumb idea given Northwestern's 188 YPG yielded and tendency to yield huge chunks against, er, everybody. If we can, we'll have a good shot. If Hart can't go or we decide to uselessly hurl ourselves into stacked fronts, we be toast.

Roundtable Response X + 1

Roundtable X + 1! At IBFC! Yow!

1. The Envy Poll (as seen on rsfc)
Name the five teams, other than yours, whose accomplishments you respect / envy the most. Use whatever criteria you feel is appropriate (wins, titles, consistency, academic integrity, competitive integrity, NCAA violations, general thuggery, mascot intimidation factor ...).

I wince when Michigan welcomes various MAC teams to Michigan Stadium, the PA announcer offers whatever sacrificial lamb we've imported a warm welcome, and in response the crowd viciously boos. I am despondent when I'm standing up during a timeout and someone asks me to sit down. I've honestly considered bitching out old ladies who say things like "we'll leave after the band plays." But I really like it when we're told that we're the largest crowd watching a football game anywhere in America. And I love the Michigan wave, which has to be the most gloriously complicated wave anywhere on the planet.

I guess what I'm going for is a sense of fervent community fandom that isn't coupled with total unbearability. Michigan is middling in this respect, and that's unfortunate. So the following teams are a combination of respectful-yet-dangerously-insane fan passion, historic and current success, and a general impression of how fun being a fan of a said team would be. Teams like USC and Miami with their fairweather fans come nowhere near this list despite their success. Teams like West Virginia and Ohio State that accompany their passion with violence and bags of urine are also off the list. I also try to shy away from teams with vast NCAA troubles where I can and skew heavily towards tradition. In no particular order:

• Alabama: The archetype, save for the distasteful NCAA sanctions.
• Iowa: Historically quite successful under Fry and now under Ferentz. Fans are maniacal and classy. Sorry about those pass interference calls.
• Texas A&M: Yes, practicing your cheers does have great appeal to me. The 12th Man embodies the spirit of the crowd.
• Florida: has been as whistle-clean as SEC programs get; I am developing an EDSBS-level Spurrier mancrush; I wore jean-shorts as a child; the Swamp has a rep for a reason.
• LSU: Howling maelstrom.

2. Admissions
With regard to Question #1, what is the most damaging criticism of your program that you will admit is a legitimate criticism? That is, what negative trait does the most damage to the overall respect level of your program (in your eyes, or to others, interpret as you will).

That you-always-lose-Rose-Bowls thing drives me absolutely mad because it's true. Our record there is dismal and has ruined many an otherwise standout year. Even more maddening was that stretch during the 90s were the Pac 10 was awful, awful, awful and we were busy pissing away games to Illinois and Northwestern and such, watching Wisconsin draw Stanford or whatever. I'll take a cheapie at this point.

3. Unrelated Discussion Question
Who do you think is the best player in the history of your program? Tell us a little about him (especially if he's not a household name). Feel free to pick someone from 50 years ago that none of us has seen play.

Well, you've got your Woodson. He's a cornerback; he won the Heisman. There is no other answer. Except Anthony Carter, who singlehandedly changed the way Michigan thought about football. Sort of.

But wait! What of Tom Harmon? Harmon, who you can see above, won the Heisman, cured polio, and once played all eleven positions on the same play. Not to mention that his genetic code eventually produced Angie Harmon Kelly Harmon (whoops) down the line. And then you've got the whole bomber/WWII thing:

Not satisfied with destroying the midwest, Harmon's next target was an entire continent:

Early in 1943, Harmon parachuted when his plane went down in a tropical storm in South America. He lived through one of the great man-against-nature survival stories. In a vast, virtually unexplored rain forest, armed with a machete and a compass, he headed east to the Atlantic coast on what was to be the greatest "run" of his career. Four days and fifty nightmare miles later, he stumbled into a clearning in Dutch Guina. "I had nothing to eat and little to drink even with all that rain," Harmon said. "I was afraid bad water would sicken me. If my strength went, I would die."

Did this deter him? Not so much. He was so scared of this experience that he immediately did it again:

Later that year, Harmon bailed out again. In a battle with Japanese Zeros over Chungking, China, his P-38 fighter took a fatal hit. But Harmon made it back, thanks to the Chinese underground. "If you didn't have religion before the war, you did then" Harmon wrote in his book "Pilots Also Pray." For his war efforts "Ole 98" received the Silver Star and Purple Heart.

So maybe he's not a great pilot, but he could kill you with his bare teeth, and he died in 1990. Don't eff with Tom Harmon.

In conclusion:

BIG TEN = PWN3D
OHIO STATE = PWN3D
VAST, VIRTUALLY UNEXPLORED JUNGLE = PWN3D
CHINA = PWN3D
HITLER = PWN3D

QEDMF!