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Tuesday, November 15, 2005

It's day two of our five day format-killing Ohio State blowout! Today: the coaches. A study in contrasts. One has a gruff exterior that hides a heart of gold, the other a gelatinous sheen that hides dark, tentacled horrors. Let science decide between them:


Carr
Tressel
"Could you maybe go to the gym or something?"
NCAA As Husband
"One of these days, POW, right to the moon!"
Advantage: Carr
Gruff imparter of wisdom
Uncle Genre
Creepy offerer of babysitting services
Advantage: Carr
No
Thought Maurice Clarett Was A Good Idea?
Yes
Advantage: Carr
Unfortunately necessary bridge between punts
Offensive Philosophy
What do you mean, "this isn't the Battle of the Somme?"
Advantage: Push
"I am a football coach."
What Attire Implies
"I take deleting things from my hard drive very, very seriously."
Advantage: Carr
Wildly schizophrenic
Treatment of Sideline Reporters
Robotically dullsville
Advantage: Push
Split
National Championship Drawback
Due to obviously phony pass interference
Advantage: Carr
Male
Gender
Yes, please!
Advantage: Push
2
League Championships since 2003
0
Advantage: Carr
1-0Record versus Penn State since October
0-1
Advantage: Carr
1
Head to head wins in 2003
0
Advantage: Carr
Received spyware from the Accuser after placing Celine Dion album into CD-ROM drive
Relationship with Satan
Calls on a regular basis to ask for money and to assure him that the end times are nearing
Advantage: Carr
"I like 'em both."
Catchphrase
"I don't recall."
Advantage: Carr
Finding good homes for all these beautiful kittens
Offseason Troubles
Raising bail
Advantage: Carr


So, there you have it, irrefutable scientific proof that Carr is vastly superior to Tressel. Carr in a blowout, 11-0-3. You can't defy science, unless you're from Kansas.

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