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Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Merry freakin' Christmas. Look, I realize these things are getting played, but I thought of Mr. Garrison and I was impressed by my cleverness. And then Mr. Slave fell right into place. When Lemmiwinks appeared in my mind I knew that the Lord had commanded me to build a great monument to his name. My god appears to be a weird amalgam of college football, Matt Parker, and Trey Stone. So here you go...

Yes, it's another one of these posts, now turning into a genre all its own. Ian started the train; Hey Jenny Slater created a Simpsons equivalent, and now it's time to meet some friends of mine...

Big Twelve

Nebraska: Mr. Garrison

I went to hell! I went to hell and I died!

Ugly. Thinks reading about celebrities constitutes an education. Used to be wildly successful out of proportion to all reason by exploiting a niche lifestyle, but has recently abandoned said niche in favor of a more conventional existence. This effort is going less than swimmingly. Decision to abandon niche produced vast quantity of horrifying images.

(BONUS: Lawrence Phillips: Mr. Hat; the expression of Mr. Garrison's writhing, unsavory id.)

Colorado: Mr. Slave

Into all sorts of kinky stuff. Conservative groups are worried about their recruiting efforts. Still Mr Garrison's bitch, deep down. Says "Jesus Christ" all the time but never really means it.

(BONUS!!! Brian Calhoun: Lemmiwinks; escaped from certain death in Mr. Slave's sinful bowels to become the prince of a selection of small animals.)

Kansas State: Miss Choksondik

Mildly interesting for unsavory reasons (JUCO reliance and scheduling convents/impossibly pendulous breasts) for a while but then choked to death on her wages of sin.

Texas Tech: Tweek

The spazziest kid in town. Jittery after having consumed heroic amounts of caffeine. Has a tendency to collapse in spectacular fashion when placed under duress.

Big Ten

Michigan: Stan

Integral to the whole show but not the first person you think of when looking for entertainment due to a lack of fun exploits. Functions more as a straight man, letting others use him for a platform to deliver a punchline. Often nearly accomplishes great things during the first half of the show before succumbing to all-too-frequent bouts of vaginitis towards the end.

(BONUS!!! The Rose Bowl : Wendy Testaburger; Stan barfs whenever he gets near her.)

Ohio State: Shelley

Coarse. No good at speaking English. Thinks "turd" is the pinnacle of insult technology. Takes multitude of personal failures out on those around her because the true horror of her existence is too terrible to contemplate. Hits Stan a lot.

Wisconsin & Minnesota: Terence & Phillip

Do the same thing over and over again, year after year, but find inexplicable success doing so. Vaguely Canadian. Fight regularly. Always smell strongly of methane.

Iowa: Mr. Hankey

Surprisingly effective for being composed mostly of crap (easy, Iowa fans, think of it as a compliment to Ferentz). Somewhat annoyingly goody-two-shoes, but powerful when angered. Fundamentally, er, consistent. Also smells strongly of methane.

Northwestern: Sexual Harrassment Panda

Totally bizarre entity that exists for no discernible reason whatsoever. Would probably be happier on a strange island--like the Ivy League--with the other misfits.

Penn State: Grandpa Marsh

Obvious reasons; Stan's Grandpa also experienced one brief renassiance when the AARP took over, but it didn't last.

Michigan State: Butters

Innocuous boy who usually gets beaten up and picked on by everybody else. Morphs into super-villian alter-ego from time to time, wreaking unexpected havoc upon innocent passers-by. Often has hilarious delusions about taking over the world, but plans always come to naught.

Purdue: Mephisto

Maybe we could put like 15 asses on the monkey and have four run off before the snap.

Has a reputation for wild experimentation, but in the end it's all about cramming as much ass as possible into a small area (like a football season, or a pair of pants).

Indiana: Kevin

Mephisto's tiny, insignificant companion.

Illinois: Towely

Worst character ever. Decisions clearly influenced by pot... unless you think someone would hire Ron Zook sober.


Alabama: Ned

A hunk of BEEFCAKE(!) back when 'Nam was going on but never recovered from a crippling disaster that happened long ago. Enjoys shooting things. Talks about the good old days in 'Nam a lot.

Auburn: Jimbo

Linked inextricably with Ned; not particularly bright; also enjoys shooting things; has a fondness for garish orange clothing.

Steve Spurrier (and Florida, I guess): Cartman

Will totally kick you in the nuts.

An evil genius with an array of implasibly effective schemes that can turn any random citizen into the centerpiece of a terrifying misfit army. Occasionally says 'screw you guys, I'm going home.' Unquestionably the most reprehensible, terrible person on the planet, but after a couple of episodes without him you realize that it's just not the same. Gets all the best lines ('Respect my authorita'/'You can't spell Citrus without UT'). As the South Park website says, "basic rule, don't f*ck with Cartman."

(Also of note: was once upstaged by Butters of all people (AWESOME-O ep/'99 Citrus).)

Georgia: Cartman's Mom

You guys can play linebacker, right?

Willing to put out for any questionable character that comes along. Pushed around by Cartman all the time. Offspring associated with the Denver Broncos, at least temporarily. Ultimately got what she wanted from the various men in South Park.

Tennessee: Scott Tenorman

Radiohead thinks you're a pussy, Erik Ainge.

Would you rather eat your own parents or be a Tennessee fan right now? Tough call... unless you're Phil Fulmer! Also totally owned by Cartman. Tends to talk tough but dissolves into whiny bitchery once the horrible truth (like Charles Woodson winning the Heisman) is revealed.

Vanderbilt: Pip

Funny-accented child of privilege with a somewhat Victorian vibe going on. Probably would be comfortable with a television that showed only BBC America. Totally out of place in its current environs.


Miami: Chef

Popular with the ladies because of his 5x2. Enjoys singing about chocolate salty balls.

Virginia Tech: Kenny

Must be October in Blacksburg again.

A poor white-trash redneck. Even when it's looking good for him you know that he's going to die during the last third of the show. It's like clockwork. You killed BeamerBall, you bastards.

Florida State: Officer Barbrady

"Nothing to see here," is the catchphrase of choice, whether you're talking about criminal offenses or just ones directed by Jeff Bowden. If there's even a difference, that is. Tends to ignore obvious wrongdoing being perpetrated right under one's nose.

Duke: Ike

Kick the baby!

Georgia Tech: Dougie

Your Constitutionally-mandated "Georgia Tech students are dorks" reference. Also has a tendency to hang out with Butters a lot, plotting world domination and never achieving it.

Clemson: The Marklars

Despite all the talk, every marklar it's always the same old marklar. Marklar marklar, Bowden marklar marklar, 6-5 and the Marklar Tire Marklar in beautiful Marklar, North Marklar.

Virginia: Kyle's Cousin Kyle.

Weak, extraordinarily Jewish. Nerdy and somewhat repulsive but you know damn well he'll be your boss someday. Exactly how I imagine Ian.


Notre Dame: Jesus


Navy: Santa

Mostly exists for the purpose of fighting Jesus. Prominent in the embryonic stages of the show but hasn't been heard from recently.

Pac 10

USC: Satan

Huge. Possesses minions with otherworldly, demonic skills and power. Beats the hell out of Jesus on a regular basis. Secretly kind of foo-foo, if you know what I mean.

UCLA: Chris

Wears a lot of powder blue. Takes it in the ass from Satan.

Oregon: Token

Supported by older man who is unbelievably rich. Older man has given him an outlandish appearance that causes quite a commotion, though the reasons why are unclear.

Oregon State: Bebe

Briefly OMG SEXY, then quickly forgotten.

Washington: Mr. Mackey

Don't fire black coaches, mmkay? Firing black coaches is bad. You don't want to be bad, do you? All right, maybe we're bad, but we're diverse, mmkay? Diversity is good even if you're bad.

Washington State: Nurse Gollum

Fairly normal except for the terribly depressing eyesore (dead fetus/Pullman) that causes everyone to feel very sorry for them. Like Bebe, had a brief run in the sun and was then forgotten about.

Arizona State: "Hennifer Lopez"

Spicy faux-latin with sex appeal who puts out all kinds of wacky material that somehow sticks; ultimately a mirage. Seems like a fiction of the evil genius' mind. Loves tacos.

Arizona: Jennifer Lopez

Like the fictional version, only crappier and prone to volcanic outbursts of ridiculous behavior.


BYU: Gary & The Creepy Mormons

Dum dum dum dum dum. Would be even better if Gary Crowton was still running the show.

Louisville: Crab People

Things just keep getting better for the Cardinals, but underneath the flash and dash is concealed an audacious plan to conquer the world. Vaguely foo-foo as well.

Boise State: Mrs. Crabtree

The source of a vast amount of noise but ultimately irrelevant.

Hawai'i: Timmy

Timmah! Timmah Chang! Do exactly the same thing year after year: throw ten billion passes, go to a bowl game in, er, Hawai'i. Somewhat retarded, but fun to be around.


Syracuse: The Denver Broncos

Really, really, really orange. Good back in 1998.

Fresno State: Trent Boyett

Your Constitutionally-mandated "guy from the wrong side of the tracks coming to kick your ass" Fresno State reference. Also, Trent is a dead ringer for an elementary-school version of Pat Hill. Seriously.

Temple: Miss Claridge

Please, someone put it out of its misery.

Leftover characters for reader suggestions: Starvin' Marvin, Kyle, Mr. Broflovski, Mrs. Broflovski, Randy Marsh, Mrs. Marsh, Principal Victoria, Saddam, Jimmy, Big Gay Al, The Mayor, The Raisins Girls, The Goths, The Useless Mayoral Goons, Kindergarteners, Scuzzlebutt, the Cutswalds, Priest Maxi, Miss Information

Glaring team absences: Cal (hippies?), OU, Texas, Texas A&M, LSU.