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Monday, July 24, 2006

31-40: The Bothersome

40. Jason Whitlock

Note: this was written before Whitlock's column in which he A) called Scoop Jackson's inane "1.3 percent" piece "so juvenile and flawed" that he "nearly broke down in tears after reading it" and B) sensibly tackled the new ASPE study that revealed vanishingly small numbers of black sports editors and columnists. As much as I really, really dislike Whitlock I'd move him down into the 40s because of it if they hadn't been published already. I would remove him entirely if he mentioned that Scoop looks like a muppet.

Whitlock is infuriating because everything he writes seems precisely calculated to be outlandish, outrageous, or controversial. It seems he can't go a month without expressing his opinion that everything that has ever happened is because of racism. Bob Huggins getting fired? Racism. An extension for Charlie Weis? Racism. Everyone hating Barry Bonds? Racism. Distaste for the US basketball team during their run to sixth place in the Olympics? Racism. His placement on this list? Racism, no doubt. Even more infuriating are the less-frequent columns that have the gall to chide others for focusing too much on race. Almost completely round sports columnist who isn't nearly as funny as he thinks he is, heal thyself.

39. Jacques Lemaire

Not satisfied with watching Gary Bettman and Bob Goodenow strangle hockey ninety percent of the way to death, Lemaire's Minnesota Wild attempt to finish the job every night with their suffocating nu-90s trap. Lemaire is a main reason that Sean Avery is the only other NFL employee to make this list, having directly caused the death of interesting hockey (and thus indirectly the strike) by riding the same trap to the Stanley Cup at the helm of the New Jersey Devils. Inspired by New Jersey's ability to win games -1 to -2, the rest of the league immediately started boring other teams into submission.

As the evilest of the evil men who kill the interesting bits of hockey for their own personal benefit, he lands at #40.

38. Mike Kryzerzwierskiziziskiywerkski

I don't think of Mike Kryzerwksizi (-ish) as a basketball coach; I think of him as a smug asshole. Okay, so he runs a program as clean as college basketball programs get that's more successful than any other in college basketball and neither of these things are traditionally objectionable, but come on:

Meet Coach K: Leader

"I don't look at myself as a basketball coach. I look at myself as a leader who happens to coach basketball."
- Coach K

MUST FIND. MUST PUNCH. MUST FIND AND PUNCH. On his official website you're invited to "Meet Coach K" not only as a leader but also a coach, father, friend, mentor, motivator, student, and teacher. No doubt Coach K excels in all these roles, as he excels in everything. And if there's one thing people hate more than a loser it's one of those guys who wins over and over and over again and then details his incredible home life, wonderful children, and twelve inch penis. There is nothing about Coach K that's remotely likeable precisely because he is the best human to ever exist. And damn him further for turning unathletic white guys -- normally basketball underdogs that are tremendous fun to cheer for -- into a neverending March scourge.

37. NBA Referees

College referees are vastly more incompetent, but lack the belief that their cranky, elderly asses walk on water. No doubt the reason each and every NBA foul short of a beheading is met with a torrent of bitching no matter the team, time, or place has much to do with the fact that the definition of a foul changes depending on who you are, where you are, and several other mysterious factors including the phases of the moon and just how senile Dick Bavetta feels today. Everyone around the league -- everyone -- acknowledges the existence of a star system wherein your Dwyane Wades get calls that other players simply wouldn't, which makes the NBA seem more scripted than spontaneous at times.

Besides, don't you understand that you're killing Mark Cuban? You're killing Cubes!

37. The Sun Belt Conference

Perhaps if this was a Texas A&M blog the Sun Belt would check in much lower, if at all. But it isn't. The Sun Belt -- previously a conference best known for having a hilariously inappropriate name (hello Moscow, Idaho) -- exploded onto the national scene by totally and irrevocably fucking up the Alamo Bowl. Causing conniption fits across the educated bits of Michigan was bad enough, but the conference compounded its error by attempting to justify the fiasco, releasing a document laden with feeble double-speak, obfuscation, and general LIES LIES LIES.

As a result, Michigan fans have been plugging ULM, ULL, and whatever other half-ass universities comprise the damn thing this year into NCAA 2006, turning the difficulty down to "retard," and ritualistically beating the Sun Belt 2,100-0 since the final whistle went.

The next time you hear a columnist or non-BCS school member whinge about small schools being left out in the cold, remember the Alamo.

35. This Guy

Watch the video; this one is self explanatory. We must find this man and punish him. Not to be missed is the EDSBS evisceration of same.

34. Jim O'Brien

In a tepid effort to be fair to OSU, this nutjob must be mentioned. O'Brien landed Ohio State's basketball program on probation by attempting to pay recruit Boban Savovic thousands of dollars. Ohio State noticed this transgression and sensibly fired the man. Loathesome, sure, but the kicker: O'Brien sued Ohio State for breach of contract.

Kicker part II: he won. OSU's basketball team will be fine, what with Oden and everyone coming in next year, but the nerve!

33. Lou Holth

Not content with driving every thchool he's ever coached thtraight into the loving arms of Mither NCAA Investigationth man, Holth decided he needed to inflict more pain upon the nation at large. The vehicle via which he doleth out the punishment: placement next to douthestache purveyor and fellow list-member Mark May on ESPN college football theth. From this inexplicable perch, Holtz lithpth out incoherent, utheleth analythith with a dazed thmile upon hith face. [/EO hilarious lisping]

Why so high up? Holtz makes me miss Trev Alberts, which is sort of like wondering what happened to the good old days with world leaders like Mao and Hitler. Thufferin thccotath!

32. Alonzo Mourning

It takes an awful lot of work to erase the sympathy one receives when returning from an inexplicable kidney disease that nearly ends one's career, but Alonzo Mourning managed to do it in, oh, about seven days. I'll let this random blogger detail Mourning's epic pouting, lying, and doggin' spree that took him from New Jersey to Toronto and finally to Miami, where he could ride the coattails of Dwyane Wade to an NBA championship ring that he deserves about as much as I do (though to be fair both 'Zo and I deserve one more than Gary Payton). I'll let my own fictionalized version of Hubie Brown summarize:
"You cannot put your hands on another player, but Alonzo Mourning is one of the great assholes we have in this league."

31. George Shinn

Shinn is a man who cares about nothing except lining his pockets with money. He managed to turn baskeball-mad North Carolina against their once-beloved Hornets (they led the league in attendance from 1988 to 1996), then moved the team to New Orleans when Charlotte asked him to cough up a piddling $13 million for an arena otherwise totally funded with public money. Now he's riding New Orleans for money and threatening to move the team again:
Shinn's lawyers have seized upon a contractual clause in the Hornets' 2002 relocation agreement that requires the city and state to build the team a new practice facility adjacent to the New Orleans Arena, the team's fate in the Crescent City appears sealed. The new practice facility would require an $8.5 million minimum public commitment.
You may remember that about half of New Orleans is underwater.* Someone get Chris Paul away from this man before he gets sexually assaulted, too.

*(To stave off the inevitable correction: not really.)