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Thursday, September 21, 2006

We haven't had a good-old media idiot bashing session in a while, probably because Scoop Jackson is covering tennis, but ooooh we've got a good one this time. It's from Sports Talk Radio On Paper's Matt Hayes, who has no redeeming features and should end it now to prevent his family further embarassment.

On with the show:

We were so giddy and giggly at the mere thought of it all. No clear leader, no one team to chase -- pure pandemonium.

And Ohio State had to go and ruin it.

It took the Buckeyes all of three weeks to become the undisputed lead dog in a national title race that had looked deliciously crowded and convoluted. (As for our preseason pick, Notre Dame? Pfffffffft.)

Indeed. Way to make one stupid prediction that gets shot all to hell immediately, learn nothing, and immediately make another BOLD!!! prediction that's equally overblown and stupid. There are dogs smarter than this.

Also: prepare yourself for the lamest attempt at humor since... uh... not very long ago. These are sportswriters we're talking about, after all. But it's still mind-numbing.

We're a quarter of the way into the season, and there's one thing even more unexpected than a male voice on The View: No one is beating Ohio State. At least not in the regular season.

I hope earwigs eat your face.

"They have very few flaws," says Texas safety Michael Griffin.

What an awesome out of context quote that is not followed up on anywhere in the article. Pad that wordcount, pad pad.

Damn Buckeyes. Make that damn Big Ten. As September winds down and October brings key conference games, there is no more disappointing league. Forget about Michigan or anyone else in the Big Ten sideswiping this train. Not only is Ohio State clearly the elite of the league, the Buckeyes have one other key component to a championship run: a coach who knows how to win a big game.

Wait... what? Ok, I'll grant you that Northwestern, Indiana, and Illinois wouldn't come within shouting distance of OSU if they pooled their rosters, but good God, have you SEEN the ACC? The land where talent goes to die?

You don't care, do you? You just create this article in the pea-sized chamber your parents call "the reason we stopped with one child" and you call a "der... der... brain! cookie? brain!", then feebly attempt to justify it with... well, nothing at all.

This is a players game. But when the talent gap is minimal, when there is no real difference in speed and athleticism, you better have a guy in a headset who knows what he's doing.

Wait, why are you talking about Charlie Weis?

One of the most overlooked factors in the game today: When all things are equal -- and sometimes when they're not -- no one is a better big-game coach than Jim Tressel.

I think you and your media psychophant* buddies really meant "Charlie Weis" in that sentence.

*(It's like "sychophant" only creepier and more likely to root through your dumpster, looking for evidence you still love him.)

Pete Carroll looks like a genius with all that talent at Southern California. Mack Brown validated his elite status riding Superman Vince Young. Tressel? He won a national title with Craig Freakin' Krenzel. now you're ascribing OSU's highwire 2002 national championship act entirely to the coaching prowess of Jim Tressel? What about a metric buttload of luck? Did Jim Tressel's eye lasers guide that pass into Jenkins' hands versus Purdue?

Also: is this maroon asserting that OSU is somehow devoid of talented players? That as soon as Buckeyes leave Columbus the NFL scoffs at them and then they go get jobs at Wendy's? LOOK AT ALL THESE ANGRY RHETORICAL QUESTIONS.

The guy can flat-out coach in big games -- in games that matter. In five-plus seasons in Columbus, he's 3-0 in BCS bowl games and 4-1 against bitter rival Michigan. One of those BCS wins (Miami, 2002) was against the most talented college football team in the past two decades.

Dude, that wasn't even the BEST ONE LOSS TEAM EVER, or didn't you watch ESPN's month-long tongue bathing of the 2006 Trojans? You smell like sin.

And now Tressel has superstar quarterback/Heisman Trophy front-runner Troy Smith. He has wideout Ted Ginn, the game's most exciting player. He has Gonzo and Beanie and Antonio Pittman and a "revamped" defense that 100-some other Division I teams would trade theirs for.

Blah blah blah many teams have good an interesting players this does not constitute proof but three weeks ago you would have written: "And now Weis has superstar quarterback/Heisman Trophy front-runner Brady Quinn. He has wideout Jeff Smardjzasdai, he has players and a defense he specifically told to be faster this year, boy howdy."

He also has -- after winning yet another big game two weeks ago at Texas -- an incredibly easy road to the national title game. The Big Ten schedule includes road tests at Iowa (did you watch the Iowa-Syracuse game?)

Did you? No, you didn't, because then you might have noticed that Iowa's backup quarterback threw four interceptions.

and, and . . . that's it. The Buckeyes get Penn State in Columbus on Saturday, don't play occasional thorn Wisconsin and finish up at home against Michigan.

And of course you leave out Drew Stanton and his rumored teammates, who just got done obliterating what looked like a pretty good Pitt team. Last year it took an epic, JLS-flipout-causing special teams meltdown for Ohio State to win that game... at home.

Also: Minnesota! Er... nevermind.

Don't even start, Blue Boy. For the Wolverines to win The Game, Lloyd Carr would have to outcoach Tressel. And that ain't happening.

(Of note: Hayes apparently saw Dienhart's weird, awful article in which he created some sort of avatar represeting the Michigan fanbase and liked it so much that he adopted it. Not only is this stupid and juvenile, it's not even original.)

Well, damn. Let's just cancel the thing until Tressel retires.

Projected Matt Hayes column one week ago: For the Wolverines to #$*!ing BEAT DOWN Notre Dame, Lloyd Carr would have to outcoach Charlie Weis. And that ain't happening.

"He's not a loud, look-at-me kind of coach," says Cincinnati coach Mark Dantonio, the Buckeyes' most recent victim, of Tressel. "What he has done there and what he can do kind of gets lost in that."

Until, that is, he ruins our party.

In conclusion, you are ugly.

Nice teeth, horseface!