Roundtable 2.1: Preseason Polling

It is official official roundtable time; the first one is up at House Rock Built for your edification.

1. What's the biggest ripoff in this preseason poll? Either pick a team that's offensively over or underrated, or you can rag on a particular voter's bad pick (hey, we're all adults here, we can handle it).

Well, I've already made my positions on OSU and ND clear, but I can at least see what the attractions of those teams are. I was hoping the poll be would virtually flat for the first eight or so spots and that OSU and ND would be somewhere in there.

One team stands out as particularly mindboggling: Miami. #9? This is a team with all of two scholarship quarterbacks that has question marks at running back and wide receiver and must replace four-fifths of its offensive line. Longtime OL coach Art Kehoe is gone along with most of the staff on that side of the ball. One hesitates to mock a Miami defense that will probably reload as per usual, but the cornerback situation looks pretty dodgy -- three sophomores and a junior who's missed the last two years with knee injures -- and Orien Harris is gone. This is partially my fault for dumping them in the low teens for no other reason than "it's Miami." No it isn't, not anymore.

2. What shold a preseason poll measure? Specifically, should it be a predictor of end-of-season standing (meaning that a team's schedule should be taken into account when determining a ranking), or should it merely be a barometer of talent/hype/expectations?

Ideally the answer to this question is "yes." In a platonically perfect poll these are the same thing -- minus "hype" -- but the information in college football is so incomplete that schedule strength inevitably distorts the poll.

Given harsh reality, I choose door number B: barometer of talent. This is a sort of schedule projection, too, but one that takes into account that even an undefeated West Virginia team is closer to Utah than USC. And if you're going to do that, where's Boise State in your top five? The Whitlocks of the world who place the Mountaineers #1 but don't have the projected WAC, Mountain West, and MAC champs in the top ten have created ballots with no internal consistency. Their ballots are all "ooh, shiny record" for certain teams that are hyped up but ignore it for other mid-majors because they didn't have a nice game last year. They're easy: show a man one nice game against Georgia and he'll give it up for you.

3. What is your biggest stretch in your preseason ballot? That is to say, which team has the best chance of making you look like an idiot for overrating them?

Nebraska. I mean, obviously. Even if Iowa flops I can still point to Tate and Ferentz and say "can you blame me?" If Nebraska does not justify its preseason placement at #10 on my ballot I have to tell the world that I put faith in Bill Callahan a year after his team set football back 80 years with that 6-3 game against Pittsburgh in which a victor is still undetermined because anyone who attempts to watch the game dies. It's The Ring of college football games.

4. What do you see as the biggest flaw in the polling system (both wire service and blogpolling)? Is polling an integral part of the great game of college football, or is it an outdated system that needs to be replaced? If you say the latter, enlighten us with your new plan.

They are myriad.

• As SMQB has noted, the artificial ranking of teams from 1-25 forces the voter to opine things he probably doesn't believe. I've proposed relaxing the restrictions by giving voters a set number of points with which to distribute amongst 25 teams however they please, allowing voters to express their opinions more accurately. Technical limitations ("I can't figure out a good interface") prevented its implementation this year but it's still on the table for future seasons.
• Polls have multiple personality disorder as they progress through a season. Clearly, preseason polls are all projection. Without any games to evaluate, they're (often hilariously inaccurate) guesses at the way the season will turn out. They remain excercises in projection as the season progresses -- otherwise a top ten team who had the misfortune of losing early would drop out of the poll entirely -- but take on an element of a season grade. By the end of the year, they still maintain a mix of both, which renders them somewhat incoherent.
  
  The best example of this from last year was the Penn State and Ohio State. I, and probably most others, thought that Ohio State was the better team but ranked Penn State higher because of the niggling issue of that 17-10 PSU win early in the season. A number of voters went ahead and ranked OSU #3 anyway, September be damned, and I couldn't argue against it because... what exactly were we supposed to be voting for anyway, the best team or the best season? I'm the dictator of this here poll and even I couldn't tell you.
• Polls have their own momentum. Ideally, previous weeks and years would be totally irrelevant to voters entering a fresh one. Anyone who's seen West Virginia knows this is not the case.
• People, and by extension polls, tend to assume that the winner of a game deserved to win because of ineffable heart. As Statistically Speaking noted:

  I still don't think voters understand just how much influence random chance has ove individual games. Because Team A beats Team B on a last second field goal, doesn't necessarily mean Team A is the superior squad. There is a lot of 'noise' that goes in to deterining who wins and loses a football game. I think its important to look at other factors besides the final score, such as yardage, penalties, location, previous schedule, turnover differential, etc. to determine if the game was accurate portrayal of both teams. I realize each of these aspects is highly subjective, but I think sometimes we put too much stock in the end result (final score) without considering the means with which that end was acheived.

  This goes back to that season grade/best team dichotomy. If we're grading the season harsh drops for unfortunate losses are all right; if we're trying to figure who's the best team they aren't. Polls seem to be caught in the middle.

5. You're Scott Bakula, and you have the opportunity to "Quantum Leap" back in time and change any single moment in your team's history. It can be a play on the field, a hiring decision, or your school's founders deciding to build the campus in Northern Indiana, of all godforsaken places. What do you do?

There were multiple missed national championship opportunities in the 80s, but I was not yet maniacally invested in the Wolverines so an alteration there would only serve as ammunition in inane message board conversations I no longer participate in. (Much.)

So there are two candidates, one of which would only require Scott to move a body part two or three inches.

Scott, as either Prescott Burgess or Ernest Shazor, blocks Dusty Mangum's field goal in the Rose Bowl. A win in that game would have made the '04 season a satisfying one, the first for Michigan since the Orange Bowl win in Tom Brady's final season. Some of Michigan's lost luster would still be around if they had won that amazing game.

Scott, as John Navarre, throws a touchdown on the last play of the '02 Ohio State game. As detailed earlier, I ventured into the heart of darkness for that game and experienced the carnage firsthand. Had Navarre thrown the ball to the other side of the field instead of a triple-covered Braylon Edwards he would have found a relatively open person who was either Jason Avant or Ron Bellamy, who would have reached up one hand to stop the ball's momentum before snatching it to his chest mere feet from my seat. The team would have rushed over to the tiny Michigan student section at the cusp of the endzone, told me that I was their inspiration, and everything outside of that stadium would have been well worth it.

Passing Is For The Weak

A 13 play, 81-yard drive from the '89 Ohio State game in which the wide receivers are meaningless decoration:



Hah! I speet on your forward pass. In home country, passing done by little frilly girls in their lace vorodny.

(via The MZone.)

Unverified Voracity: Hoep Cares Edition

Terry Hoeppner cares for you personally. Deeply. A commenter points out this beauty from the Indy Star:

Hoeppner said McClurg has been a surprise. So much so, that in spring practice, Hoeppner looked out one day and saw No. 51 playing particularly well, and he wasn't sure who it was.

"I had to go to the media guide just to see who he was,'' Hoeppner said. "I thought to myself, 'Who's 51? That guy's playing pretty good.' I told him that later. I said, 'Good job, whatever your name is.'"

To be fair, I can't name any Indiana defenders either.

Bloggers interested in joining the Blogpoll are advised to not say this should I politely decline your application...

Why does the MGO blog suck?

First, It's about Michigan therefore it must automatically be placed in the "Suck" category. The Wolverines will be lucky to break .500 in the Big Ten and I'll be laughing my ass of when they shit the bed against Central Michigan. Second, is there fascination with something they call "Man Fun", which they described as "an innocent expression of childhood glee". Sounds pretty gay and I can assure you that we did not have this "Man Fun" where I went to school.

Thirdly, and this is the main reason, is their stupid Blogpoll. It is the most retarded concept I have every seen and I am embarrassed that I even applied to be a part of it.

...because it probably won't help. Although the picture of Osama in Michigan gear is cute.

Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore but we might as well be. While USC's celebrity publicity stunts are low-rent, at least they're pulling the Snoop Doggs and Lavar Burtons of the world. At Nebraska beggars can't be choosers:



Indeed, the Huskers hope to Git R Done this year. Personally I hope the entire state floats off into the ocean after the Alamo Bowl, though the chances of that are admittedly remote.

Updates on two recruits: Jerimy Finch is good and Rivals is wrong; Johnny has some more on Maze.

(Finch article via The Diag)

Etc.: Szzzzzabo article.

Clarett Story Now Funny Again

You may remember MGoBlog throwing in the towel on Maurice Clarett and hilarity after the whole four-loaded-guns-and-a-hatchet incident. Yea, Clarett had crossed the line from amusing failure that continually tainted OSU's reputation to depressing failure that continually tainted OSU's reputation.

Well, happy days are here again:

Clarett was bankrolled by an alleged member of an Israeli crime organization after leaving Ohio State, ESPN reported. His attorney reportedly told ESPN on Thursday that Clarett, who was arrested by police last week when he refused to pull over after a traffic violation, may have been in possession of firearms to protect himself from mob activity.

The Israeli crime organization? "The Jerusalem Group." Have we stumbled into an episode of South Park? And then there's this gem of a sentence:

Wakine [sic] would later provide Clarett with cash, a BMW, bodyguards, drivers and beachfront lodging in Malibu, ESPN reported, with the understanding that Clarett would reimburse Waknine and also be paid 60 percent of Clarett's rookie contract.

What a fine, enlightening, and wonderful sentence indeed. So Clarett's genius negotiation skills, which you may remember got him a contract that paid him almost no money unless he was league MVP or Secretary-General of the UN, had him promise almost two-thirds of his rookie contract to an Israeli gangster. He then proceeded to sign the aforementioned contract and get cut the moment he showed up at camp, thus turning 60% of something into 60% of zero. Way to not piss off Hasids with guns.

I have a solution for all of this: we need a Clarett reality show. Pay him enough to not get whacked by Israeli gangsters, get him out there on the street and follow him around. Waknine is happy. Clarett is happy. Viewers are happy. Bill Simmons sees the first step towards ESPN 8 taken and is happy.

Call it Mo' Problems.

Purdue Preview: Please Ignore This Preview

The Story

Well, that was humbling. Purdue did not storm the Big Ten like a horde of ill-tempered ferrets en route to a Rose Bowl sponsored by Quaker Oats. They stormed about as far as the Notre Dame game and fell over stone dead. Brandon Kirsch, like every Purdue quarterback since Drew Brees, was unceremoniously yanked midseason to make way for Curtis Painter. The supposedly intimidating defense featuring all eleven starters from a pretty good 2004 unit underwent a collapse so

Spack and Herrmann... like twins!

epic that Boiler fans started noticing the very suspicious resemblance between Brock Spack and Jim Herrmann. Purdue was eliminated from bowl contention after just eight games before showing some life against MSU and the Big Ten bottom feeders.

Now Joe Tiller finds his seat somewhat warm for the first time in his career at Purdue, though grumbling Boilermaker fans would do well to remember the state of the program when he arrived in West Lafayette. Still, a bowl would be advisable during year two of Not Playing Michigan Or Ohio State, especially because only four games on the schedule seem particularly difficult.

If Purdue is to return to the hallowed ground of the Music City or Sun or whatever their equally anonymous replacements are after the offseason bowl shuffle it'll be on the backs of their offensive line, which returns four starters from a good '05 unit, and the wide receivers, deeper than at any point in Tiller's tenure. Add in Kory Sheets and new quarterback Curtis Painter has a lot of ammunition at his disposal. He'll need it, as the defense is in chaos.

Offense

Last Year: Quietly effective, though we must again hasten to point out that Purdue drew a miraculous array of snuggly soft defenses. The only teams to finish the year with non-embarrassing stats were Penn State and Akron. Still, they were 25th overall with a nice balance between run and pass despite having major quarterback issues the whole year.

Quarterback

Rating: 2.

Painter

Brandon Kirsch -- hailed in this space last year as the Dalai Lama of football -- got yanked midway through Purdue's dismal 2005 in favor of redshirt freshman Curtis Painter. Painter proceeded to limp through the season, completing just over 50% of his passes and throwing three touchdowns to five interceptions. Dude. Total balls. Painter did manage to have some positive impact with his feet, rushing for 251 yards and 4 touchdowns.

What does '06 hold for the now-sophomore Painter? Probably additional pain. Painter's iffy stats were gained against a who's-who of D-I's worst pass defenses (MSU, Wisconsin, Indiana, Illinois) and Penn State, who killed Painter to the tune of 6-17 for 60 yards. His last statistical reference point, high school, doesn't imply he'll make a great leap forward: as a senior he only completed 51% of his passes. The implication is that Painter's probably unsuited to Purdue's dink-and-dunk passing game, as he either failed at in in high school or was asked to bomb it deep instead. Either way it bodes unwell. Purdue should be happy if he makes gradual progress this year with an eye towards proficiency in '07. His legs should help him but Painter's in for a rough year.

Since the only things Joe Tiller likes more than yanking his starter are Quaker Oats and life insurance, you should get familiar with Boiler backup Joey Elliot so you can impress friends and relatives by detailing strengths (isn't the starting quarterback), and weaknesses (when inserted into the game he becomes the starting quarterback) during his inevitable relief appearance and two midseason starts before he finds his butt stapled to the bench again.

Running Backs

Rating: 3. Kory Sheets inherits the job full with Jerod Void off to... well, not the NFL. Sheets did pretty well with his 104 carries last year, averaging 5.5 yards a carry. (Insert your standard disclaimer about the terrible Big Ten defenses here.) Since Void did little better and Sheets figures to improve -- he was but a freshman last year -- Purdue should get better production out of this position group. Hey, Sheets has a Wikipedia entry (which says he was "basically tied with Minnesota running back Lawerence [sic] Maroney" in YPC last year), which is more than Void can say.

Sheets has adequate speed to hit the corner and makes decent yardage after contact. In the spring game he had 116 yards on just 12 carries before leaving with a high ankle sprain.

Tiller keeps rumbling about needing Sheets to be an "every game back" instead of an every-down one, so expect to see healthy doses of backups Jaycen Taylor, a JUCO transfer who came in during the spring and impressed, and converted fullback Anthony Heygood. Heygood should get the short yardage duties while Taylor spells Sheets at various points during the game.

Wide Receivers & Tight Ends

Rating: 4.

Bryant

Purdue returns a pair of the most mismatched receivers in the country. 5'10" Dorien Bryant is a Breaston-esque waterbug while 6'9" Kyle "Stork" Ingraham's nickname says it all. Bryant's perfectly suited for the Purdue offense, capable of getting open on short routes and racking up YAC once he receivers the ball. He'll be the primary option again this year, and not just on pass plays. Purdue got him a couple touches per game in the run game (though those may have been WR screens that ended up being laterals) and has him return kicks.

Ingraham height comes with a similarly large body that robs the explosion out of his breaks. As a result he's only effective on certain routes against certain coverages and is unlikely to top his 41 catches from '05, especially since his fitness is in question after a pair of offseason ankle surgeries. You might expect that Ingraham would be a dangerous red-zone weapon, but after seven touchdowns as a sophomore he was shut out last year. That's probably more on the quarterbacks than him, though: he didn't get any shorter.

A couple of contributing seniors graduate, leaving the door open for freshman Selwyn Lymon, a top-100 recruit in '04 who missed last year with NCAA Clearinghouse issues, and sophomore Greg Orton. Both are imposing physically, 6'4" ~200 pound receivers who should knock socks off at the NFL combine in a few years.

There is a tight end: Dustin Keller had 13 catches a year ago.

Offensive Line

Rating: 5. The offensive line was not the source of Purdue's problems, allowing the second-fewest sacks in the country and paving the way for a darned decent rushing attack (182 yards per game, 31st in the nation) despite not having a star in the backfield. Disclaimer: the general permiability of Big Ten defenses and the dinky nature of the Purdue passing game should dampen the superlatives thrown their way (not that there are many for a 5-6 team anyway).

Still, that's a good performance that should only get better with four starters returning. Only center Matt Turner is gone, and his shoes will be filled indirectly by Uche Nwaneri, an '04 starter who missed last year after breaking a teammate's jaw in a practice fight. He'll play guard as Robbie Powell slides over to fill Turner's shoes. With Purdue moving even further towards the Texas-style zone read game they used for portions of last year, the onus will be on the line to keep

Defense

Last Year: Even more disappointing than the offense, Bernard Pollard, Ray Edwards, and company were at the forefront of the Terrible Big Ten Defense vanguard, finishing 100th in total defense and 91st in pass efficiency. They weren't awful against the run -- 50th -- but that was too little, too late. Given last year's disaster, the return of only four starters could be viewed as a positive, but Purdue is scrambling for answers up and down the roster.

Defensive Line

Rating: 2. Edwards and Rob Ninkovich are gone and unlike Void were good enough to draw NFL attention (both were mid-round picks). Gone with them is underrated defensive tackle Brandon Villareal -- third on the team in tackles -- and running mate Brent Grover, leaving almost nothing in the way of proven talent. Senior defensive end Anthony Spencer is it. He was the a nominal starter going into last year, but Ninkovich wrested the job away from him. He managed 3 sacks and 7.5 TFL in limited time. In '04 he was the full time starter and a good one. He'll be fine.

The issue comes on the rest of the line, which is full of who-dats: juniors Eugene Bright and Ryan Baker and sophomore Alex Magee, none of whom have anything other than spot plays probably found in garbage time. The coaching staff is making standard preseason noises about encouraging growth and yadda yadda yadda, but no one really knows how they'll react until they step on the field.

Linebackers

Rating: 2. Purdue would have two returning starters here if middle linebacker George Hall hadn't been busted down to third string during spring for disciplinary reasons. He still hasn't regained his starting spot. As it is, strongside linebacker Stanford Keglar is the only returning starter who's still a starter. Josh Ferguson is the new man in the middle; Dan Bick is on the weakside. All are juniors.

Adding uncertainty to the... well... uncertainty, Bick has offseason shoulder surgery he hasn't recovered from well. A redshirt was a possibility, but Bick is "responding well" to an injection -- dodgy ground. Bick's undersized to begin with; the chances of him making it through the season are slim. Whether yet more unproven backups draw into the lineup or hall reclaims his spot, this is another position at which Purdue has no idea what it's getting this year.

Defensive Backs

Rating: 1. In the most dramatic of the many highlights featuring the Purdue secondary, Bernard Pollard dished out one of the year's great hits when he jackhammered Minnesota's Gary Russell to the Metrodome turf. Sadly for the Boilermakers, the rest of the highlights were touchdown catches. The secondary was a disaster par exellence, finishing 91st in pass defense efficiency despite having the aforementioned competent defensive ends. Starting corners Zach Logan and Paul Long were disasters. Pollard was labeled a team cancer by Tiller even before the season clattered to a halt. Teams passed willy-nilly on Purdue.

So perhaps it's for the best that only Logan returns this year to start. (Long is going to a backup at safety or corner or both.) Tiller threw the competition in the secondary wide open amongst 17 contenders in the hopes of finding a combination that works. They're still fighting it out, so facts are few and far between. We do know that junior Aaron Lane is penciled in as the starter opposite King. Relevant facts on Lane:

• He's 5'8".
• He transferred from the University of Saint Francis to walk-on at Purdue.
• USF is an NAIA school.
• Lane was a little-used running back at USF.

O RLY? If Lane isn't completely overwhelmed they should make a movie about him starring a hobbit. And someone has to be the nickel and dime backs.

Safety is equally dodgy. Torii Williams returns from a broken leg to claim the strong safety spot. As a freshman in 2004 he saw time in nine games, making 14 tackles and a sack against Iowa. Tiller's still somewhat hesitant about relying on him exclusively...

“We hope to get him in shape,” said Purdue Head Coach Joe Tiller. “Kinda the same with him as (Kory) Sheets. We'd like him to play every game all season long. Not necessarily 60 minutes, but we'd just like to have him every Saturday.”

... but he'll get the opportunity to establish himself as a starter. Given his decent play as a freshman, Williams seems more likely than the rest of the secondary to emerge into an All Big Ten type, but right now he's just a rumor. JUCO transfer Justin Scott will start at free safety.

Special Teams

Kickers & Coverage

Rating: 3. Well, take it from Tiller:

"If anyone in the room is interested, let me know before I leave," Tiller told reporters at the Big Ten kickoff meetings this week in Chicago.

If no intrepid sportswriter steps forth into the breach, duties will fall to either senior Casey Welch or freshman Tim Dougherty. Welch was stuck behind the maddeningly inconsistent Ben Jones even when Jones was busy murdering Purdue's '04 season. If he plays he'll probably be as inconsistent as Jones was but with a weaker leg. More likely it'll be Dougherty, who was 9/11 on field goals in high school. He could be good, but it's not likely.

The situation at punter is similar but the projected starter has more of a track record. Transfer Jared Armstrong was a JUCO All-American last year, averaging almost 44 yards per punt. Punting is punting. He'll be fine.

Schedule

Non-Conference: Decent. Two wretched opponents in Ball State and Indiana State, a good MAC team in Miami(OH), and the annual rivalry game versus Notre Dame, away this year. A bonus game @ Hawaii brings the schedule to an uneven 13 games.

Conference: Purdue misses Michigan and Ohio State again, though this year that seems more like a ticket to the Motor City Bowl instead of the Rose. The Boilers have only two tough road games versus Iowa and Michigan State and the advantage of three swing games (Minnesota, Penn State, and Wisconsin) against beatable foes at home.

We're Sure About

Bryant and Ingraham. They've been around long enough for everyone to get a handle on them. Bryant's a dart over the middle who can kill you with RAC and Ingraham is plodding but a matchup issue.

We Have An Idea About

The secondary. Unless there's a miracle it's going to be ugly.

The Exact Date Painter Is Temporarily Benched. Probably the week after Notre Dame.

We Have No Clue About

Painter himself. He's the looming ??? over the Boiler season. Nothing in his history indicates he'll break out, but he ws just a freshman last year.

An Embarrassing Prediction, No Doubt

Best Case

If Painter comes around quickly the Purdue offense has a lot of clay for him to work with. Bryant is a dangerous slot receiver, Ingraham is nearly unstoppable on fades, and Lymon and Orton have oodles of potential. The offensive line is the most experienced in the league and Sheets should be at least average. A competent-to-good Painter would make Purdue a threat in all its games. However, the defense appears to be adrift even if one or two players have an unexpected renaissance. At their best, Purdue will wax the chumps they're supposed to and then play a series of terribly entertaining shootouts that they'll do just better than split, going 10-3.

Worst Case

If Painter's reduced to running the zone read because he can't throw Purdue is dead meat. They managed to get away with it somewhat because their foes were Indiana, Illinois, etc, but any half-decent team on the schedule is going to move the ball on Purdue and without a functional offense to respond, college football might lose a treasured mustache at season's end. 5-8.

Final Verdict

Predicting Purdue's season is, in essence, predicting Painter's. The defense might improve a bit over last year but the secondary looks amazingly bleak and this year there's no Edwards/Ninkovich duo on the edges. The offense, which was quietly all right a year ago despite the whole business with the quarterbacks, will have to score to keep up. With a veteran offensive line and a surplus of talent at the skill positions, it'll come down to Painter's ability to run the offense. Survey says "meh." Purdue figures to return to a bowl, but not a good one.

Wins: Indiana State, Ball State
Probable Wins: @ Illinois, Indiana, Miami(OH), @ Hawaii, @ NW
Tossups: @ MSU, Minnesota
Probable Losses: @ ND, @ Iowa, Wisconsin, Penn State
No Chance: None

Predicting 8-5 can't be too far off, can it?

Local Headline Writers Drunk With Anticipation

Alabama receiver Marquis Maze has made a commitment to Michigan. Maze is a 5'8" scatback/slot receiver/return specialist who will no doubt make one huge play during his Michigan career and set off a cascade of Maze-related puns on sports pages across the Midwest. You can see them now: "A-Maze-ing" for the local papers, "Maze and Blue" for whichever team he's just posterized.

This is the H3 version of the Carlos Brown commitment: basically the same but way smaller. Like Brown, Maze is a southerner who plays quarterback, running back, and wide receiver for his high school team because not giving him the ball is dumb. Like Brown, Maze's commitment came as a big "huh?" to Michigan fans who had heard nothing about him. The H3 bit? Maze's rep (instead of a top-100 uber-recruit, Maze is a lightly-regarded three star) and size (Maze is listed at 5'8" and looks it in the video I saw) are both much smaller than Brown's.

Argh what about Clemons and Hemingway?

The Maze commitment shouldn't affect them. Both are pure receivers and whatever impact Maze has will probably be spread through three or four positions. Even his high school team seems to deploy him in the service of shock and awe: as a junior Maze had nine receptions which averaged over 50 yards per. As a runner he found similarly unbelievable success -- 12 yards per carry -- on similarly thin attempts -- 91. (Rivals doesn't have KR/PR numbers in any detail.) Maze isn't going to carry the mail like either of those guys could.

Aargh three star hate three star argh.

I personally like the commit for both ancillary and proper reasons.

• First: fantastic name.
• Second: 5'8" guys who can't be tackled without the assistance of the Red Army are tremendous fun to have on the team.
• Third: he had standing offers from both Auburn and Tennessee -- possibly a better indication of his value than a three-star ranking.
• Fourth: he's almost a guaranteed contributor as a return specialist, and anyone who remembers the days of Diallo Johnson can make a quick comparison to Breaston and arrive at the conclusion that even if he hardly sees a snap on offense he's worth one scholarship of 85.
• Fifth: I watched the available video from Rivals and he reminded me of Mike Hart and Steve Breaston. Before that sentence gets pasted everywhere as clear evidence of homer delusion: obviously there's a huge leap from high school to the pros. He's got a not-insignificant chance of being Carl Tabb. Still... he's got moves. You can hear Berman going "woop woop woop" in your head watching him, which is annoying (shut up, Berman! Or I'll have brain cancer at you!) but exciting.

Update: Vijay tracked down an article I couldn't find. Check the comparisons from an opposing coach:

"I don't think we've faced anybody as talented as No. 5 (Maze)," said Deshler coach John Mothershed , who has guided the Tigers to the 4A state final four times since 1998, with championships in 1998 and 1999. "Some say he's a lot like (Tyrone) Prothro, but I say he's more like (David) Palmer. He does things with a football that few can do."

I'll take two.

Okay: More Humiliating Than Library Masturbation Take II

I buried this in the "Etc" section of a recent Unverified Voracity, not wishing to steal the thunder from the MZone, as they found the beautifully wretched object. But commenter Ianumich points out that not many actually took the hint and saw... it.

Well, here... it is. Hide women, children, and everybody else.



If anyone produces a Michigan equivalent I will hunt you down, gut you, and wear your skin.*

*(Not for the usual reasons. Because I'm mad at you.)

Unverified Voracity: Simmons Is A Donkey Edition

Hopefully this annual rite -- Michigan defender is undrafted due to mediocre-at-best college career, then impresses NFL team enough to make team -- will cease with Ron English in charge. This year's frustrating NFL candidate is Pierre Woods, who you may vaguely remember had a hell of a 2003 before disappearing into Carr's doghouse.

Also: Braylon article. Has mention of the Browns signing LeSueur.

Tom Brady has a phone, news at 11. Deadspin skewers the New York Daily news for running a story with the headline "Brady Liked To Balco," as the link was one phone call about a future workout that never transpired. Also, Brady does not need steroids since he's a freaking quarterback. And he operates on dreaminess alone.

There's not a whole lot of meat in this Washington Post article on Michigan, but it does have this amazing lead:

As he spoke about last year's mess at Michigan, Coach Lloyd Carr's eyes drifted over toward his star running back, who was busy answering questions about his favorite foods and what song was playing on his iPod.

Way to use precious questioning time, media guys!

File under "questions that answer themselves." WSJ shows us this copy of RJYH signed by Tyrone Willingham:



He then poses a series of questions about the cryptic inscription:

Thanks for letting me bring the Huskies to the Southeast. Go Dawgs! Ty Willingham.

One ("How did Broadway Mylosh welcome the University of Washington to the Southeast?") I cannot answer. One ("What dawgs, specifically?") I can: the Washington Huskies, often nicknamed the "Dawgs," are supposed to go. And one answers itself:

why, why is Ty Willingham trying to pass himself as a writer of narrative nonfiction when EVERYONE knows he's a football coach??

MGoBlog: Carty's attack on Amaker "nonsensical." The Diag transcribes some of Jim Carty's latest appearance on WTKA:

"I've got a little complaint and it goes to the heart of what's wrong with Tommy Amaker. I had breakfast with Tommy a few weeks ago ... but of course we talked about his staff. I said, "I just can't understand why you won't shake up your staff" ... He said, "I'm not doing anything with my staff, I have total confidence". So what does he do?

Not only does he shake up his staff, but he announces it while he's en route to Australia so he doesn't have to face any questions. It's gutless. Calculated, gutless, reverse of course, totally ignore what I said before, I'm going to do something else.

For the record, the "staff shakeup" consisted of swapping the duties of two coaches and passed without mention on this blog because of its obvious lack of newsy qualities like "impact" or "interest." Carty's weird.

Update: M'n'B has more.

Simmons roulette lands on "bash." Ok. One last tiny poker diversion, but only to give Simmons a good rubbishing. Good God. Simmons managed to crash out of the World Series of Poker without thoroughly embarrassing himself -- when the chips went in he had his opponent down 6-1 -- but that went out the window when he published his column on his experience, a 1200 word bad-beat story worthy of Hellmuth or Matusow. Here's the lead:

I believed Mike McD for eight years. "People insist on calling it luck," he kept saying sarcastically. Sure. We all knew better.

I find it hard to believe that Simmons did anything but luck his way into a dominating position since he clearly knows zero about actual poker. Exhibit A:

Holding K-10 suited, I called his $550 bet along with two others. The flop? K-10-6. First guy called. Jeff came barreling in for another $1,200. Third guy folded

"Checked."

Exhibit B:

I had the best hand (nobody had trips, I could tell from the body language).

Ha ha ha ha. Ha. Ha.

Exhibit C:

At the final table, no famous pros were left sitting.

Perhaps you can debate the fame of Alan Cunningham -- he has appeared in no movies with Matt Damon -- but he is one of the world's best players and certainly a pro.

Exhibit D:

Second, I needed to steal that $3,400 in the middle. Third, having played one big hand in two hours, everyone would know I meant business with an all-in wager. And fourth, with 20 grand in chips, Jeff George might be dumb enough to call me. Which he was. And you know what this nitwit had? [AK -ed]

This is the same hand with the top two pair and one super aggressive nut betting into you. You're not trying to steal the pot and you're not particularly worried about the one other player in the hand. And for God's sake, you got your stack in as a huge favorite. That, at least in my world, constitutes skill.

You know that guy online who gets sucked out on by some donkey and fills the chatbox with "OMG LOL U SUX FISH"? Yeah. Probably Bill Simmons.

Etc.: Phil Kessel is gone (confirmed -- not broken -- by EJ Hradek, via Bruce Ciskie); Debord says the bootleg may be back.

Boren/Kolodziej Injuries Confirmed

Score one for unsubstantiated Internet rumors... and one for actual reporting, too. Intrepid Marc Snyder of the Free Press went straight to Boren and Kolo's parents to get the scoop on their situations. Boren's injury is not as bad as initially speculated:

"Basically he did sprain his ankle -- it's the same as a sprained ankle," Mike Boren, who played football at U-M from 1980-83, said Wednesday. "He's doing what he can do. I don't know how long he'll be out, but he did not break his ankle." ...

"He's not in a cast and he's not going to have surgery," Mike Boren said. "It could be three weeks, who knows? But it's nothing that serious."

Kolodziej's mother was less helpfully specific; this is the only reference to his situation:

His mother, Cindy, would not discuss her son's condition other than to say it might compromise his career.

So that's vague, but something of a confirmation. With rumors of another lineman getting dinged you might see redshirt freshman Mark Ortmann sooner rather than later.

Unverified Voracity: Man Fun Edition

Yes. College. We called it "man fun" when we lived in the house with the purple door on Geddes. Despite the thoughts knocking around in your puerile mind, O Reader, man fun was an innocent expression of childhood glee via the medium of unprovoked amateur wrestling, albeit one that often had dire consequences for knees, elbows, and -- in one memorable incident -- walls. Man fun was unpredictable and could be spurred by almost nothing. It was dangerous enough when average-sized people were participating, but this is on another level. Folks, watch out for seismic disturbances in town. Terrance Taylor and Jason Kates are having man fun:

Terrance Taylor's Michigan football initiation came in the middle of a living room last summer.

He was low to the ground and really got worked up.

But this wasn't a secret hazing - it was senior Gabe Watson trying to take down the high school state heavyweight wrestling champ.

Now that Taylor is a sophomore defensive lineman, he's extending the tradition and dishing out the punishment.

"Me and Jason Kates have played a little bit," Taylor said.

Talk about taking on all comers. Taylor is getting his weight down and said he's about 300 and dropping. Kates, a freshman defensive lineman, looks every bit of his listed 325 pounds.

"It just happened," Kates said. "We were hanging out, playing NCAA `07 when I was up here earlier and we were hanging all around, the defensive line. ... It happened a couple times. I'm going to get him before it's all said and done."

So far, Taylor has not lost the wrestling matches, just like his senior year at Muskegon when he was 24-0 on the mat and his team was 14-0 on the football field.

Man fun!

More Avant, this one from the Eagles' official site. Much is adone about the 4.8 40 that dropped Avant to the third round. Wide receivers coach Erik Campbell tells you how he really feels:

"If he was a 4.4 guy, he would have been the first receiver taken in draft," said Michigan receivers coach Erik Campbell in a matter-of-fact tone like he's telling you the sky is blue or Texas is large.

Dang.

David Baas is also doing well according to John Clayton's latest:

With the announcement this past weekend that center Jeremy Newberry is out for the season awaiting microfracture surgery, the 49ers look brilliant with the selection of Baas. He will be the starting guard while Eric Heitmann gets the nod at center. Baas already has become one of the best on the line in San Francisco.

Jed Ortmeyer is not doing well. He has a blood clot in his lungs ("pulmonary embolism" for those who like doctor lingo) and may miss a large chunk of time if he decides to go on blood thinners. I still owe Jed some portion of my soul; good luck.

In the beginning, there was college football as rap. Then college football as the Simpsons. Then college football as South Park. Now... the SEC West as fancy paintings. With book larnin'. I'm shocked that something from the oeuvre of Daniel Moore wasn't the 'Bama pick.


Only $2,700!

Etc.: IBFC has compiled all upcoming Michigan appearances on Classic; Pickin' on the Big Ten is BACK, baby; The MZone finds something affiliated with Ohio State that may be more humiliating than library masturbation; Maize N Brew turns the negative recruiting on Notre Dame (projected to be most effective: "Tom Lemming and Mel Kiper get keys to your rooms. It's part of the deal."); RBUAS breaks down the offseason weight changes, includes standard amounts of Gittleson-bashing.

Preseason Blogpoll

Hurray, that's the poll hurray. If you're interested, you can see all the individual ballots here.

It's chaos. No doubt many are wondering who the Cal vote is from. Let's introduce everyone to A&M poll newbie Off Tackle. He justifies his selection like so:

Cal returns a plethora of talent on offense and the defense should be the best in the Pac-10. This pick is a wild guess, and I'm hesitant to pick a Pac-10 first overall, but the chief weakness on offense appears to be at QB, a position that Jeff Tedford seems to be able to coach pretty well. Ask me again who the best team is after about four games.

I dunno about that defense. They didn't exactly stop any of the good offenses they opposed, and by "didn't exactly stop any" I mean "were massacred by all."

Fallers: Next poll.

Risers: Next poll.

Wack Ballot Watchdog: It's just preseason, so we'll let wacky expectations stand. I could point out my ballot... I've got Iowa #2! I suck!

Now on to the extracurriculars. First up are the teams which spur the most and least disagreement between voters as measured by standard deviation. Note that the standard deviation charts halt at #25 when looking for the lowest, otherwise teams that everyone agreed were terrible (say, Eastern Michigan) would all be at the top.

USC repeats as preseason standard deviation champion, though their margin this year is significantly lower than it was last year when the Trojans got all but one first place vote.

On the other side of the ledger, an unsurprising list of teams no one can figure out:

• Oklahoma: no Bomar.
• Cal: Bad QB or Tedford magic?
• WVU: fluke?
• PSU: Good this year or death by graduating senior? (Also: PSU bloggers going buckwild did not help.)
• Tennessee: good Lord, Phil Fulmer is fat, isn't he?

Ballot math: First up are "Mr. Bold" and "Mr. Numb Existence." The former goes to the voter with the ballot most divergent from the poll at large. The number you see is the average difference between a person's opinion of a team and the poll's opinion.

Mr. Bold is Tulane blogger Frank McGrath, apparently the last person on earth with faith in the state of Florida. He ranks the Florida-Miami-FSU triumverate extremely high (3-6-7, respectively), but that's only the tip of the iceberg. I wonder if the placements of LSU (20) and Michigan (24) have something to do with McGrath's split Tulane(NR)-Notre Dame(1) fandom. Other sources of BOLD: Tennesee and Georgia in the top ten; Penn State and VaTech 12 and 13; Louisville unranked. Let's try to keep the writhing hatred somewhat better cloaked, kids!

Mr. Numb Existence is Tennessee blogger View From Rocky Top. No doubt last year's loss to Vanderbilt was well worth it now tht VFRT has demonstrated his ability to predict the actions of a mass of football bloggers.

Next we have the Coulter/Krugman Award and the Straight Bangin' Award, which are again different sides of the same coin. The CKA and SBA go to the blogs with the highest and lowest bias rating, respectively. Bias rating is calculated by subtracting the blogger's vote for his own team from the poll-wide average. A high number indicates you are shameless homer. A low number indicates that you suffer from an abusive relationship with your football team.

The CK Award for oustanding bias in the name of making the poll look silly has several strong contenders, but none could best new SBNation GT blog Ramblin' Racket's LSD-inspired placement of Georgia Tech at #7. What part of "Chan Gailey always finishes 7-5" equals "#7"?

Two Penn State blogs feature in the irrational exuberance -- 50-Yard Lion ranks PSU #8, Black Shoe Diaries #13 -- as one might expect from the comments found on this very blog whenever things like four new offensive linemen, a new secondary, and Anthony Morelli's potential lead poisoning are brought up. Braves & Birds ranks Georgia #4 but has the decency to try to explain himself:

Why Georgia at #4? Because the defense has been consistently excellent under Mark Richt, because there are worse scenarios than picking between a 5th year senior and a ballyhooed freshman under center, and because the team ought to be able to run the ball well.

Sure, there are worse scenarios. But Tereshinski != Shockley in the realms of long-benched fifth year senior quarterbacks if Tereshinski's lone start last year is any indication.

Straight Bangin' Award for reducing expectations to reduce future pain goes to EDSBS for their reservations about Florida's offensive line and Chris Leak's tendency to squeal and duck when faced with incoming defensive linemen.

Fellow SBNation newbie but poll veteran Rakes of Mallow is hereby placed on NDNation probation with a special view to the enemies list for doubting in Weis. #7? He's a witch!

(This might be a good opportunity to find a name that doesn't sound like the world's worst Halloween candy and enter the Witness Protection Program.)

Swing is the total change in each ballot from last week to this week (obviously voters who didn't submit a ballot last week are not included). A high number means you are easily distracted by shiny things. A low number means that you're damn sure you're right no matter what reality says.

Mr. Manic Depressive and Mr. Stubborn debut next week.

BlogPoll Coming Soon

...But first I must kill a couple bugs.

Actual Blogpoll Ballot

Rank	Team	Delta
1	Auburn	25
2	Iowa	24
3	Texas	23
4	Louisiana State	22
5	Southern Cal	21
6	Louisville	20
7	Ohio State	19
8	Notre Dame	18
9	Michigan	17
10	Nebraska	16
11	Florida	15
12	Cal	14
13	West Virginia	13
14	Miami (Florida)	12
15	Florida State	11
16	Georgia	10
17	Oklahoma	9
18	Arkansas	8
19	Clemson	7
20	Northern Illinois	6
21	Boston College	5
22	Virginia Tech	4
23	Fresno State	3
24	Michigan State	2
25	Georgia Tech	1

Dropped Out:

Some notes on revisions:

• Georgia was an oversight and moves from NR to #16. Tennessee moves out and there's some reshuffling towards the end.
• Penn State fans who think I'm crazy have obviously not examined the recent history of their program, in which PSU has a senior-laden team and an excellent year, then drops of a cliff and does something like lose to Akron. Two starters return across both lines, the secondary is entirely new, and Anthony Morelli may indeed be OMG shirtless but perhaps you'll agree that Penn State isn't exactly a slam dunk.
• Ohio State: Jesus, they were #8 and are now #7. That's, what, one or two losses? And don't give me that Pittman stuff. Anyone with two legs and the sense to run in the right direction would have racked up 1300 yards against the motley collection of defenses OSU faced. Albert Young is by far the superior back.
• Nebraska: irrational exuberance for a team that will probably have a crap offensive line. Down five.

Poll coming up.

Kolodziej and Boren Might Be Out, Maybe

IBFC has an assessment of the latest injury rumor to hit the internet ("two offensive linemen out, one with a career ending condition, the other with an ankle break," to paraphrase). The condition belongs to Mike Kolodziej, the ankle is Justin Boren's. Reading between the tea-leaves of moderator reaction, Vijay concludes that there's something to said rumor. And he left out some grumbling by The Wolverine's John Borton on WTKA yesterday to the effect of "Kolo has to prove he can stay healthy."

So... something's up. Boren's alleged injury is unfortunate but should have a minimal effect on the season and his career. Kolodziej, on the other hand, was battling Alex Mitchell and Jeremy Cuilla for the last starting job on the line. Though I don't think there's much difference between a Mitchell-Riley right side and a Riley-Kolodziej right side, his absence would hurt the line's depth -- the first tackle off the bench likely becomes redshirt freshman Mark Ortmann -- and would be a generally nasty blow to a player who [Lloyd] deserves better [/Lloyd].

As with all rumor-mongering, keep in mind that this is that Internet Irresponsibility the papers keep telling you about and nothing is guaranteed until Carr refuses to speculate on a particular player's condition during a press conference. This one is rated "probably true" but with a "details/severity unclear" rider. More baseless speculation as it becomes available.

Preseason Blogpoll Draft

Hi! This is my proposed preseason ballot. If the description of some teams seems excessively negative (I have OSU and ND in the top ten and spend every sentence ripping on both teams) or positive (see: M @ 10), it's because I'm arguing against whatever the conventional wisdom is. Obviously teams like OSU and ND have much to recommend them, but since I think putting either in the top five is less a stretch and more a crime against reason I must break out the negativity.

Please take any and all opportunities to call me a huge idiot. You're not likely to make a lot of headway on Big Ten teams since I have fully formed opinions on them, but there could be quite a bit of give in my opinion of teams not located in my geographical area.

1. Auburn

I had a discussion with Orson about the various SEC teams and he convinced me that Brandon Cox was better than meh, Kenny Irons was going to plow a furrow through the SEC, and new defensive coordinator Will Muschamp -- the guy who led LSU's defense during its national championship run -- was enough of an upgrade over the one-year stand-in they had in '05 that the defense should take a step forward despite some distressing holes at DT and safety.

Really, you could put teams 1-10 in a bag, shake them up, and put any one at the top and A) have ammunition to justify it and B) wince at the major flaws the team has.

2. Iowa

Might seem stupid at the end of the year, but I think the one error in my Iowa preview was underrating the Hawkeye safeties. Compare them to OSU:

• Advantage Iowa: QB, RB, TE, DL, K.
• Advantage OSU: WR, Return Game
• Push: OL, LB, DB, and that's assuming Iowa's corners are bad.

(You might move QB to push if you're a huge Troy Smith fan but I think Tate's the better player.) Even the most ardent Buckeye can't seriously claim a significant coaching advantage over Kirk Ferentz. Iowa returns seven starters on D, seven on O, and a guaranteed Groza finalist at K. Their record last year was depressed by a freak series of events that lost them a lot of games late. In a year of total chaos, Iowa's as good a choice as any.

3. Texas

Always loaded due to Mack having, like, hypnosis eyes or something, but the choices at quarterback are a freshman or a freshman.

4. LSU

"Great except they can't defend the pass," according to Orson. Seeing no one intending to pass in the SEC and considering that a major flaw but no less major than most of the teams in close proximity to them, here they go.

5. Nebraska

Okay. Am I on crack? Perhaps. But Zac Taylor was pretty good as the year progressed and they have a couple of capable backs. Teams usually struggle their first couple years learning a new offense; this is Nebraska's third year running the WCO. Callahan's bountiful first class will start seeing time this year. The defense returns largely intact and has two vicious defensive ends. The catch: the running game was school-record awful last year and the blame falls largely on the offensive line.

6. USC

Well, it's USC. Without two Heisman winners they'll drop one or two of those crazy Pac-10 shootouts against ASU or Oregon or something, especially sans that whatshisface... Gore guy. Please, Pac-10. The nation needs you.

7. Louisville

This is your All-O, No-D Heismanpundit OMG Team Of The Year. Brian Brohm and Michael Bush are the top backfield tandem in the country; both are healthy and seriously pissed off you guys about the WVU game a year ago. Elvis Dumerville and his billion sacks do depart but the entire secondary returns along with two linebackers and some experience on the DL.

8. Ohio State

I realize that there's not a whole lot to choose from at the top of the polls but it appears that the blogpoll is heading for a 1-2 Ohio State-Notre Dame double punch of Conventional Wisdom, and that makes Bear very sad. Ohio State's defense is going to drop off a cliff even if it remains pretty good and their offense is probably immensely overrated.

That's right: immensely overrated. Michigan's crappy, no good, Herrmann-led defense was the third best unit Ohio State faced last year -- by a huge margin -- and I watched them scrape by on screens and the MasseyGap for the better part of four quarters until Michigan's terminal EOG stupidity kicked in and zoned Michigan to a painful death. In games against Texas and Penn State, OSU's offense got its ass kicked. The rest of the schedule looked like this: Notre Dame, Michigan State, Illinois, Indiana, etc, etc, etc, etc. OSU racked up a lot of yards and points because they had a huge number of short fields against Sun Belt defenses. That's certainly better than struggling against those opponents but the overall weakness of said opponents should be taken into account, especially when the other side of the ball is totally new.

9. Notre Dame

A second team whose preseason rankings are wildly overrated because of an offense that racked up tons of points and yards versus Sun Belt D. I've said it before, you've heard it before. It's a good offense but not good enough to justify the hype. They still don't have a single cornerback; they moved their second string running back to linebacker last week in the expectation he might start.

A good team with a good coach, yes. Ginn or no Ginn, Smarjajdjadaizaia is the most frightening player Michigan must face this year, Zbikowski's so fast Fisher DeBerry thinks he's an albino, and apparently Quinn managed to figure out how to throw downfield to wide open guys sometime after the Michigan game. #1? #2? Bleah.

10. Michigan

I'd like to think my offbeat Michigan ranking is more due to the vast array of information I have on them and not pure fanboy bias. If I was an SEC blogger I'd be tempted to put them as my wack #1 pick in a year with no favorites.

Why? A total of seven starters* depart, only but only three were any good: Jason Avant, Adam Stenavich, and Gabe Watson. The other four ranged from mediocre-at-best (Grant Mason) to plain bad (Leo Henige, Matt Lentz, and Pat Massey). So there's that: in terms of returning production Michigan must lead the country, especially when you consider the veritable plague of injuries that rained down. Mike Hart was healthy for four games, Jake Long none. Angry Michigan Safety Hating God smote Michigan safeties like one would expect. Lamarr Woodley about a quarter of the season, including the final, fateful drives against OSU. For most of the season the right tackle was Rueben Riley, the third string guy even when both his thumbs weren't broken.

That returning production did lead to 7-5 and the (gasp!) "three plays from 4-7" meme that hacky sportswriters love to trot out, but Michigan was (gasp!) four plays from 11-1 too. That's what happens when every single game you play is decided on the last drive. Phil Steele made this argument about Arkansas: when a team loses a lot of games by narrow margins but can reasonably expect significant improvement the team's record can change drastically for the better.

Lloyd Carr's tendency to sit on slim leads and punt on second and ten is a negative that costs Michigan some expectation and thus a few spots in the poll, but most of the piercing analysis of Michigan that's been offered during the offseason amounts to "OMG LLLLLOYD LOL" and vastly overstates whatever negative impact his game theory flaws bring, especially since Michigan's version of Jeff Bowden is gone.

*(Six if you count Tim Massaquoi, but Tyler Ecker saw at least as much time as he did.)

11. Florida

I trust the EDSBS evaluation of the Gators and place them in approximately the same spot.

12. Cal

A team much like USC except this year they get their version of Reggie Bush back. Actually, they get their versions of Bush back -- both Justin Forsett and Marshawn Lynch averaged well over 6 YPC. The catch is that the heavily promoted defense didn't do much to earn the hype being given it this year, yielding 47 points to UCLA, 38 to WSU, and 35 to USC. Giving up only 20 in regulation to Oregon seems impressive, but the Ducks had just lost Kellen Clemens for the year. Cal's rep as a tough defense was built on crushing Arizona, Sacramento State, Stanford, and the like. They stopped no one of consequence.

Then there's the QB issue, still unsettled between three players. Nate Longshore missed last year with a broken leg; Joe Ayoob was more joke than quarterback; Steve Levy played well once, against Mormons. Marshawn Lynch is real nice but is this a top ten team? Uh. No.

13. WVU

Poised for a step back this year as everyone who plays them will be hell-bent on figuring out the particulars of WVU's spread-option offense. As SMQB points out, the 'Eers were moments away from being on the receiving end of a unholy beating from Louisville and nearly managed to blow the Georgia game once UGA managed to stumble to its feet and take a standing eight count. This may be an overreaction to the Great Purdue Misprediction of 2005, but it feels lke their fifteen minutes are up and at the end of the year people will be milling about asking each other "what the hell did we even see in them in the first place?"

14. Miami

Please...

15. Florida State

...help...

16. Boston College

...me.

17. Clemson

Everyone else is voting for them. Why?

18. Oklahoma

I think there's a chance people are making too much of Rhett Bomar's departure, since he wasn't exactly Tom Brady last year. A starting guard getting booted, though, is bad for Adrian Peterson, and what's bad for Adrian Peterson is bad for everyone.

19. Arkansas

I trust Phil Steele. Orson also argued in their favor, citing Steele, dismissing the absence of McFadden as trivial, and pointing out 6'6" wide receiver/mobile wall Marcus Monk, the closest thing to Calvin Johnson since... er, he's still in school. The closest thing since sliced bread!

Willing to take input here as well.

20. Northern Illinois

Garrett Wolfe made believers out of Michigan fans in last year's season opener, which was closer than the score suggested. The little Husky is a tiny, impossible-to-find slasher and legitimately one of the premier backs in the country. You've got a love a running back who rocks the #1 jersey. He'll get an opportunity to believe-ify plenty more Big Ten opponents in games at Ohio State and Iowa. I expect NIU to at the very least scare the hell out of OSU in their season opener. Tackle Doug Free is a potential first or second round draft pick and though NIU loses three starters from last year's line they get guard Matt Rogers, a starter in '04, back from an academic suspension.

Also of note for name-watchers... NIU's crack SID staff has your back (pdf):

the question remains who moves up to the No. 2 [RB] spot---junior-to-be All-Name Team candidate Cas Prime, soph Montell Clanton, red-shirt frosh Justin Anderson, or incoming freshman Ricky Crider?

21. Tennessee

Orson swears that the return of Cutcliffe is worth games all by itself and that Tennessee fans will no longer have to curl up in the fetal position, muttering "why didn't they hand it to whichever impossibly giant, suspiciously robotic back probably sent from the future to kill Steve Spurrier we have this year?"

I am suspicious about the loss of Mahelona and what seemed like the only good bit of team Tennessee had last year. Willing to listen here, as well.

22. Virginia Tech

Purely a rep pick. Very open to pro/con arguments.

23. Drew Stanton

I suppose he has teammates.

24. Fresno State

Mid-major respect know-nothing pick. Flexible here.

25. Georgia Tech

Sure, they'll probably be 7-5 at the end of the year, but whoever ends up here at the end of the year is going to be around 7-5 anyway. Not many potential #25 teams have Calvin Johnson, a veteran quarterback, and the consistently swarming defense Tech features. Okay, the veteran quarterback looks and throws like Gary Coleman, but it's #25. What are you going to do?

Votes due by Wednesday @ 10, so get yer bitchin' in today.

The Sporting News Does Not Like Michigan

(Or Anyone Else For That Matter)

Exhibit A: Mike DeCourcy's please-die note to Amaker.

Exhibit B: Mike Farrell's instate recruitin' PANIC article.

The latest is an article from Tom Dienhart that can only be described as aggressively dumb. Deinhart apparently saw a recent AP article headline "Carr, Michigan's brass say he's there to stay" and flipped the eff out.

So, Michigan's brass boldly states that Lloyd Carr is "here to stay."

What did you expect the guys sitting in the high-back leather chairs to utter in August? That Carr was on the hot seat? That Carr had to win the Big Ten this year -- or he would be fired?

Yeah, right. It's just more blabber from the Ann Arbor ivory tower.

Amazingly, it goes downhill from there. There's an avatar for the Michigan fanbase named "Big Blue Boy." Yeah. It's extraordinarily... nay... miraculously bad. And it's not alone. Check Dienhart's next most recent post on Charlie Weis:

Here's the scoop: Weis had a problem with a recent series of stories in a local paper that dared to pose the question: "Can Notre Dame maintain principles and athletic dominance?"

Weis' response to the two reporters? No questions for you!

In other words, if Chas has a beef with you, he'll go Biff on you.

Look, there are wrong ways and right ways to handle disagreements. And Biff Weis did it the wrong way. Why? Well, I'm guessing it's because Biff Weis felt he could get away with it.

I'm flabbergasted that Dienhart is getting paid for this instead of, say, being tasered and locked up far away from the Internet.

Sporting News, I officially dub you Sports Talk Radio On Paper. STROP!

Alex Boone Is The Wilt Chamberlain Of Beer

The internet is a-tizzy over this passage from the Dayton Daily News on sophomore OSU tackle Alex Boone:

Boone, a sophomore starter and former Parade All-American, said he was routinely downing 30 to 40 beers per day, a pattern of bingeing that began in high school and escalated when he arrived at OSU.

((Debatably) interesting usage note: "bingeing" and "binging" are locked in a war for supremacy that "binging" is winning via Google hit, 435k to 356k. If the word that doesn't look viciously misspelled is already more commonly used, why not drop the "e" altogether? As a reader my first instinct there is typo; the second is linguistic death via outdated style guide.)

And no wonder since -- estimating conservatively by pegging his average at, say, 32 and giving him 40 or 50 days off per year for Christmas, Lent, and days when Boone was so drunk from the night before he slept for 30 hours -- over the past two years Boone has consumed approximately 20,000 beers. That's approximately 1,875 gallons, enough to drown a small Vietnamese village. Since Budwesier is 5% alcohol by weight, Boone has consumed 94 gallons of alcohol alone over the past two years.

But wait! There's more! At 140 calories per beer, that's a staggering 280,000 calories; at 3500 calories per pound, Alex Boone has ingested 800 pounds worth of beer in the past two years. Alex Boone would not exist if he did not drink beer. He would be -450 pounds.

Or maybe the "30-40" estimate is wildly unrealistic, but that's no fun at all.

The Most Loathsome People In Sports: 21-30

Previous Editions: 31-40 and 41-50.

21-30: The Deeply Offensive

30. Dick Vitale

I know Vitale is a very, very nice man, but the sad fact is he ruins basketball games. He's totally unlistenable in doses larger than six seconds; his cute nicknames and acronyms spawned countless irritating imitators; the image of Vitale sensuously bathing Coach K's most private, most special tickly bits with his overworked tongue has haunted the dreams of too many Americans.

MJD probably said it best:

mjd : Oh, good, it’s Dick Vitale.
Danks : "WHY HASN’T JJ BEEN PICKED YET BABY!"
mjd : I want to set him on fire.

29. Marcus Vick

Punks come and go but it takes a special kind of imagined privilege to act like Marcus Vick. Over the course of his Virginia Tech career, Vick

• was pulled over for speeding, whereupon it was found that what he lacked in driver's license he possessed in marijuana,
• got his mack on with an underage girl,
• stomped on Elvis Dumerville's knee,
• aaaaand everybody's favorite: pulled a gun at McDonald's because they were out of Chicken McNugget happy meals.*

Throughout it all he managed to be insincerely contrite, even objecting to comparisons to Lawrence Phillips because he "wasn't a bad guy like that."

UNLESS YOU ARE OUT OF MCNUGGETS, MOTHERFUCKER.

*(okay, okay, it was because his girlfriend told him someone called her a bitch. The substitution stands since it's funnier and no less crazy.)

27. Tony Parker & 28. Manu Ginobli

The Spurs' mighty Backcourt of Foreign Annoyance. Parker is the main offender, being

• French
• badly misinformed about his verbal dexterity,
• the designated railer of Eva Longoria, and
• FRENCH,

but Ginobli's inexplicable carte blanche to charge whoever he feels like at any time, ass-kicking of the US basketball team, and strong resemblance to a swordfish are grating in precisely the opposite direction. Combined, the two are sandpaper to one's tolerance, eventually wearing away the outer layers until all that's left is the throbbing white hot center of "please blow an ACL, you frogs."

26. Scoop Jackson

Some people -- Simmons, Leitch -- chafe at the strictures imposed by print journalism's miserly rationing of wordcount. These Internets butterflies need the freedom of the Web to emerge from the straightjacket of convention into a style that is uniquely theirs and uniquely effective.

Scoop Jackson is the exact opposite of these people.

For some reason, Scoop was the one drafted to fill Page 2's "Guy Who Talks About Being Black Guy" slot after the tragic death of Ralph Wiley, who was superior to Scoop in the following ways:

• Wiley wrote in what's generally referred to as "English" instead of the weird combination of street patois and just general jibberish that fills the vast width and breadth of a Scoop column;
• Wiley occasionally made sense (actually, he did quite frequently, but "occasionally" is enough to best Jackson);
• Wiley never spent several hundred words spread across more than one column to hit on a sideline reporter;
• Wiley was not referred to as "Scoop";
• Wiley didn't tour the country telling young black kids they had a better chance of being an NBA player than a sportswriter;
• Some of Wiley's paragraphs had more than one sentence;
  
• aaaaaaaand Wiley didn't look like a hastily aborted Muppet experiment.

Wiley is spinning so fast in his grave he could probably be used as a supercollider.

25. Bill Wirtz

It's hard to remember now, but the Chicago Blackhawks are one of the most storied teams in NHL history. Growing up in Detroit the newly rejuvenated Red Wings usually ran up against Roenick's Blackhawks at some point; when they did it was time to start planning tee times. Nowadays a trip to the United Center to see a Hawks game is a depressing experience: there's a spectacular video linking past heroes like Tony Esposito to... er... Radim Vrbata? Kyle Calder? The Blackhawks once held an esteemed place in the Chicago sports scene, but now they're a glorified, cold version of the Chicago Fire. Except the Fire televise home games.

Since the Clippers made the second round of the playoffs this year and look like they may just be getting better, Wirtz is the new gold standard for miserly owners who take your money and turn it into crap. In 2004, the 'Hawks were named the worst franchise in sport by ESPN.

24. Steve Spurrier

Vols no likey.

Don't get me wrong, I like Spurrier and think having him college football is great. I hope he never leaves again and root for when South Carolina when they play heavyweights in the hopes one day Phil Fulmer will have a nervous breakdown. But it's a cold hard fact that if I was a fan of an SEC team other than Florida or Carolina I, channeling Zidane's mom, would want his balls on a platter.

In terms of sheer overall hateability Spurrier deserves a place on this list. Even people who like him call him "Evil Genius." He's petulant, childish, temperamental, snarky, and just damn better than your coach. After years of running up the score, then dropping devastating science during post game presser, the only man more widely despised across the south is General Sherman. If he turns South Carolina into anything resembling his Florida juggernauts entire states are going to end up mental. This is a section of the country where coaches skip media days so they don't get served supoenas.

23. Various Columnists From "Around The Horn"

You can't separate them once they pass through Around The Horn's event horizon of suck. Is Mariotti more loathesome than Simers? Simers more loathesome than Woody Paige? Does it matter? Lacking the good nature and charisma of Wilbon and Kornheiser, they all represent the same thing: sportswriting as witless screaming. Invariably, the most repulsive is the one who just got done talking.

22. Johnny Damon

No one's naive enough to believe that professional athletes care about anything but the size of their paycheck, but Damon's defection was a special case. First, the contract sizes in question were both ridiculous, but Damon went with the Yankee offer because it was incrementally more so. This is deeply irritating to those who wish to maintain the fiction that their professional athletes care as much about the fans as the fans to about them.

But in and of itself, that doesn't warrant placement higher than about the 40s, defections of Damon's sort being all too common in the modern-day sports world. He's up here because when Damon decided to take Steinbrenner's blood money and run he gave up not only the adoration of the city but his trademark Chewbacca locks. Shaggy and hirsute, Damon looked like Jesus. Clean-shaven and pinstriped, Yankee Damon is more Judas. Take it from a guy who reads a lot of chick baseball blogs: this is not generally regarded as an improvement.

Johnny Damon killed Unfrozen Caveman Centerfielder and all for what? A few million dollars more? How many solid-gold toilets do you need, Johnny?

21. Larry Brown

This is way better than coaching in the Finals.

Another man in search of yet more precious metals to poop in, Brown didn't even wait until the playoffs were over last year before bolting to the Knicks. To continue a theme: smooth move, Ex-Lax. This year, Brown's morose press conferences were context appropriate as Brown openly wondered whether he should kill Stephon Marbury or himself. And then Steve Francis showed up, a present from Isiah Thomas. If Thomas was not obviously the worst GM in the universe*, you would no doubt assume that this was an attempt to kill Brown and thus escape his onerous six kajillion dollar contract.

But since this is Isiah Thomas we're talking about, Brown got his six kajillion dollars. Now he can consider whether to kill himself on his private helicopter made entirely of diamond replicas of Stephon Marbury's bludgeoned skull.

At least this year Brown has gotten what he richly deserves: comeuppance.

*(Queries have been made as to Thomas' placement on this list. He does not appear, since his presence in the NBA proves without a doubt that anyone reading this could get a job with the Sonics or the Grizzlies or whoever and not be the worst GM in the league, which is something I savor every day when I wake up. I say to myself, "self, you would not be the worst GM in the NBA," and walk off with a pep in my step. That's a gift Isiah Thomas gives us.

Also: he threatened Bill Simmons with physical violence on the radio, prompting Stephen A. Smith to dismissively ask "who?" about a co-worker. And he made Larry Brown want to kill himself, definitively proving that some teams were beyond his power to "HEY! HEY! HEY!" into the playoffs. And he ruined the Knicks. For years. As I've said before, Thomas deserves a medal and we'll all be sorry when he's gone.)

SO JEALOUS

Michigan Sports Center interviews Zoltan The Inconceivable.

1) I thought the Michigan athletic department laughed at you if you were from the Internets.
2) Sadly, no questions about the viability of his Heisman campaign were asked.
3) So. Jealous.

Unverified Voracity: Stare At The Watch Edition

Pat Kane is feeling very sleepy. Pat Kane is deciding... nothing. He decides between college and the OHL later:

Kane says that it's "about 50/50" between major junior and college. "I'm probably going to have to make the decision in a couple of weeks," Kane said, "so hopefully I'll narrow it down."

Indeed, narrowing it down might be good. He decides between BU and Michigan, if necessary, later:

"Michigan's close to my house," Kane said. "It's the same drive I've had for the past two years, about four or five hours, real easy. BU, some of my best friends go there - [Brett] Bennett, Strait, and [Luke] Popko - so it would be great to play with them again. The team I would be going to, their rink is unbelievable, their fans are unbelievable. We'll see what happens."

Note that the last bit about the arena doesn't indicate a specific program. Should Kane choose Michigan, he'll join the team after the first semester -- he's accelerating his education as fast as he can -- and this is what you have to look forward to, courtesy of Mark Mitera:

"He's one of those unbelievable playmakers," Mitera said. "He sees the ice so well, I think he's got eyes in the back of his head. He can hear you breathing, almost."

Mitera's played with Kane for the past week or two at the WJC evaluation camp. Come on down, Pat Kane.

Puff the Magic Piece: The Toledo Blade on senior safety Willis Barringer; The Fort Wayne Journal-Gazette on recruit Artis Chambers, who's playing quarterback this year.

Finally, someone who gets it. Finally there is an antidote to the non-stop Notre Dame rah-rah from Larry Felser of the Buffalo News. Let's listen into this lone outpost of sagacity in a world gone mad with Leprechaun fever:

There is the not-so-little matter of the more than 600 yards Ohio State laid on them the last time they put on the pads for an official game, the January Fiesta Bowl. The offense had to be outstanding because the Notre Dame defense leaked so badly against good offensive teams last year. The Irish finished 9-3 but in nine games allowed 20 points or more.

Thank you. Why is this guy stuck in a backwater like the Buffalo News? As Felser queries,

So how do we go about making halfway intelligent preseason picks?

Ah, the eternal question. Show us the way, wise one.

Since it's football, there is safety in sticking with the better coaches. Joe Paterno of Penn State and Bobby Bowden of Florida State get inducted into the college hall of fame this year, but they're still among the usual suspects. The Nittany Lions and Seminoles could end up in BCS bowls in January, so maybe 80 is the new 50 after all.

Er... okay. No doubt this is some AARP solidarity thing imposed by the Grey Dawn and not seriously the man's opinion. And we should be focusing on the big, national championship picture anyway...

For my No. 1 pick, however, I'll take Georgia.

Blast and damnation! No offense to the legions of Dawg bloggers out there, but Joe Tereshinski III is only a good name if the player in question is a Minnesota running back. Shockley he ain't, and there's hats to be eaten if a true freshman leads any team to the national championship. It's back to the anti-ND drawing board.

Unverified Voracity: USC USC USC Edition

There was that one guy, whatshisface... Gore? Lane Kiffin must be that guy from Memento. From Scott Wolf's USC blog:

It's easy to get fixated on freshmen because they are new faces, but wide receiver Travon Patterson seems ready to assume a vital role. Patterson turned a 5-yard pass into about a 60-yard play and he's clearly the fastest receiver.
"Travon brings something we haven't had in five years,'' offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin said.

Unless "something" is "a guy named Travon," I'm pretty sure he's wrong no matter what he's talking about.

Yeah... Pete Carroll. I'm beginning to think that the similarity of his last name to "Carrell" is no coincidence, as he can't get enough of hilarious stunts that seem better placed on the set of The Office.

As an assistant coach gave the Trojans a tongue-lashing while watching video of a lackluster afternoon practice, Carroll--complete in an official Wonder Bread NASCAR racing uniform and helmet--appeared from the back of the room, accompanied by the roar of an engine and shrouded by the smoke of a fog machine. Carroll raced to the front of the room and, as the team howled in laughter, informed the Trojans that they were going to take a break from football and go to the campus theater to watch the nation's hottest movie, "Talladega Nights, The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby."

Unbeknownst to Carroll, the REAL Ricky Bobby--Ferrell, a former USC student--came in from the side door, also decked out in his NASCAR outfit. A stunned Carroll and his Trojans erupted.

Aaaand Bill Simmons just threw up in his mouth. Apparently the chances of Pete Carroll returning to the NFL are nil, because he can't play wacky forgiving dad to grown men. Did he try this stuff with the Patriots? And if so was he surprised when they stopped listening to him? The interaction between The Orgeron and Carroll must have been fascinating.

Hilarious sidenote:

In previous seasons, a number of celebrities besides Ferrell have visited Carroll's Trojans at practices and games: Snoop Dogg, Nick Lachey, Spike Lee, Henry Winkler, George Lucas, Alyssa Milano, Kirsten Dunst, Sophia Bush, Chad Michael Murray, LeVar Burton, The Game and Anthony Kiedis.

Maybe it's just me. (via Feldman($), who diplomatically refers to it as "more offbeat stuff.")

Etc.: Philadelpha Inquirer article on Avant; Tom Friend got a call from Clarett on his night of aborted rampage/suicide/lint removal; Michigan Sports Center has video of the Cold Pizza interviews with Hart and Henne; Mike Farrell makes mountain out of instate recruiting foothill.